Ottowa, On – “This is all yours now” thought newly elected Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. As he slowly walked through his new office, the highest in the land, he contemplated the policies he would enact as PM. He thought of all the good people that voted for his party, but he couldn’t finish his thought, he was distracted by the brand new Dyson fan in the corner by his desk. “Damn, those things are expensive. I really have done pretty well for myself.” He sauntered over to his chair and looked at the military report that had been placed on his desk. His palms started sweating as he began to comprehend the true power that had been bestowed upon him. Three active service ships, nine snowmobiles (one in the shop), enough army personnel to defend P.E.I for up to 6 hours against ANY foreign assault. His head spun as the full realization of his situation began to sink in. He thought about all the things the voters wanted, all the policy that had to be changed! “Why should I?” he thought as he looked in the mirror and meticulously combed his hair into a rock hard grey mat, “Because it is what the people want, it’s what your father would have wanted.” “No!” he hissed as he looked into camera three, “I’m the Prime Minister now, this is Justin’s time!” Deep inside, Justin felt the rise of an absolute control, a power over all life. With one word, he could change the daylight savings time or even sentence a man to life in counseling. He paused by the window as dark clouds gathered over Parliament, a cold wind blew from the north. Suddenly, he felt a strange urge to look into the desk. As he opened the top drawer he noticed a single piece of paper with a neatly written note:
“Can you feel it?” signed, Stephen Harper.
St. Johns, NL – A local couple has expressed a feeling of melancholy over the loss of their unknown third roommate. “This whole time I thought Sarah knew I loved cashews and she was leaving out a bowl for me when I got home. Turns out, that was Grebnar.” Sighed Dan Scott, unconsciously fondling the crumbling drywall at the edge of the gaping whole left by authorities when they forcibly removed Grebnar from the home last week. “The sound of his scurrying and scratching was so peaceful, I’ll miss falling asleep to that.” said Sarah Henderson. “He’d also been eating all the spiders. Since he’s been gone they’ve come back again. It’s really gross, and doofus over there won’t eat them.” “Some people just aren’t as special as Grebnar!” Shouted Dan from his new favourite hang-out, Grebnar’s nest located in the crawl space directly above their bed. Last reports stated the couple of 4 years have started searching for a new live-in stalker to occupy the surprisingly well structured tunnels that Grebnar had built throughout the house.
Victoria, BC – The hardened red slime crusted on the top of the ketchup bottle seemed to resemble a festering wound. Every time local resident, Mat Rainy, squeezed ketchup out of it the contents had to slither out from the congealed mess that strangled the nozzle. As Mat looked at the abomination on the top of the cap he thought about how disturbing it would be to close the lid on the mess once again, a mess that had grown larger with this recent use. Then Mat thought about how long it would take to wipe it down and thought about how his mom loved to clean stuff and decided somebody else will probably clean it.
Ottowa, ON – After the public hanging of a heretic, the peasants in the square murmured in anticipation for the arrival of the speaker of their party. Soon enough, Lord Grossier, Steward of the North and Slayer of Taxes, appeared and began to speak. On healthcare he promised to fight the black plague and cut the torture budget to pay for new treatments. On foreign policy he proposed invading Normandy and holding three key castles that are his birthright to claim. To strengthen Canada’s economy he said he is willing to marry Angela Merkel to gain access to the wealth of the Germans and to open trade routes to the riches of the Orient. When a reporter asked about his opinion on gay marriage the unfortunate journalist was hauled off to the dungeon in the parties headquarters. Lord Grossier became the leader of the Feudalism Party of Canada after he won in a duel of single combat against the previous leader Albert Brighton. The Feudalism Party of Canada only holds one seat in Parliament, the one occupied by Lord Grossier, because none of the other house MP’s will challenge him in single combat. In the coming election the FPC will most likely not gain or lose any seats in Parliment and this has been the case for many years. Lord Grossier says that if he is not elected Prime Lord Minister this time he will challenge the new PM to single combat.
Seattle, WA – “It was just too hard to see it like that” said Gerry Wiebling through tears. “I know if I was in the same situation it would do the same for me”. Gerry explained he had attempted to update Windows when it seemed like it was taking longer than usual. “Normally it only takes a few minutes but after 3 hours I knew something was wrong.” Unplugging a computer that still displays a readable screen is illegal in Washington State. “The protesters from the church began picketing outside my house, they constantly reminded me that it clearly says on the screen “not do disconnect the power during an update”. I know that, but I also know that behind the screen was a computer that wasn’t itself anymore.” After an emotional meeting, with his family present, Gerry unplugged the computer. He is facing charges of negligence and he will need to re-install his operating system because now his Windows Update is completely fucked.
Orlando, FL – Every morning, whale trainer George Finsweep woke up at 4am to diligently remove any fur that may have grown on one of SeaWorlds famous Killer Whales. “Not many people know that whales are normally covered with a thick brown fur when they’re in the wild. When we brought them in to SeaWorld we’d make sure they were nice and smooth, it’s just more aesthetically pleasing.” Mr. Finsweep had been training and shaving the whales for over 12 years when last week he decided he’d had enough, “I was tired of how the whales were being treated, most people think it’s because of the small tanks that the whales get upset but really it’s because they love the long, thick fur that covers them normally. I have decided to speak out because, apparently, not many people know that Orcas are naturally very hairy beasts. In fact, they were hunted for their fur in the 1800’s.” Since quitting his job at SeaWorld, Mr. Finsweep has been dedicated to raising awareness about the treatment of the whales at SeaWorld. He also mentioned the stress inflicted on the seals when they glue the whale fur to the seals, who are naturally hairless.
“They’re, like, really, super gross little pervs,” Explained Jupiter, the largest planet in our Solar system. “They stare at us all day from across space and we just don’t have any privacy.” Recently, after ten years en route, NASA’s New Horizons probe flew past Pluto and provided the most detailed photographs of the planet ever seen. Pluto tweeted its disgust, “Wow Earth, just wow. #CreepiestPlanet2015 #Gross #StayOutOfMyOrbit #OMG,” to which NASA responded “Why u gotta be so cold #Frozen #LetItGo.”
Victoria BC– The B.C Legislature reached a controversial decision on Monday, to change the provincial flower from the Pacific Dogwood (a small, white, fragrant shrub) to the Raging Forest Fire (An orange, red, burning hell storm of flame). This decision came as a shock to many Dogwood fans, like Lauren Hooper, who protested the proceedings outside the legislative buildings. “The Pacific Dogwood is part of our heritage in British Columbia, and I don’t think it is appropriate to change what has always represented our province since 1956. When people think of the Pacific Dogwood they think of our beautiful province, and dogs, and wood.” Okanogan MLA, Joe LeMonte, has lobbied for the Raging Forest Fire since late 2011 when he noticed one growing in his neighbourhood. “I felt that the Pacific Dogwood had represented our province well for a long time but the Raging Forest Fire has really become a symbol of what B.C has in its future, it simply cannot be contained. Most of the Pacific Dogwoods have been consumed by Raging Forest Fires and as they have become more prevalent in the region I feel they better represent B.C.” The Pacific Dogwood or Cornus nuttallii can be found from the northern coast of British Columbia to southern California and Idaho. The Dogwood blooms in winter with red berries. The Raging Forest fire can be found wherever there is a forest and blooms during the summer months. Although the Raging Forest Fire is a native species in BC, it is illegal to purposefully or accidentally plant one. Raging Forest Fires are luminous and beautiful but can be dangerous as they are lethal if eaten.
CALGARY – At a tense press conference Ron Bailey, Vice President of Nexen Energy, apologized profusely for the sudden and unexpected spill. “Oh Jeeze, would you look at that. Wow. Wow… Okay, um, yeah so this is a little awkward.” He explained that this isn’t normal and he hopes that Nexen’s relationship with Alberta won’t be tarnished. Dealing with this PR nightmare, Mr. Bailey tried frantically to offer some immediate short-term solutions to the spill, “Maybe we could, like, watch a movie then try again and just forget about this? Or we could do some other stuff for a while?” The VP explained again and again that this rarely happens. When asked how much toxic oil was leaked Mr. Bailey responded, “About 5 million litres, like I said it’s been a very long time”. Alberta Premier, Rachel Notley, says that she is upset about the spill, and other recent spills, but “Pipeline leaks are normal, they happen to all oil companies, they shouldn’t be embarrassed, they should continue to invest in our province.” After the press conference Ron Bailey offered to make Alberta waffles in the morning.
Victoria, BC – Local resident Ned Lumpkin, who’s entire savings is in Loonies, has been devastated by this weeks financial report which showed the value of the Canadian Loonie at just seventy seven cents to the U.S Dollar. “I bought all these Loonies at eighty nine cents and when they were at one hundred and three my wife told me to sell them but I thought we might climb even higher because we use loonies for everything nowadays. But we’ve hit a rough patch A REAL ROUGH PATCH and I don’t know if ol’ Ned is gonna make it out.” Mr. Lumpkin continued to refer to himself in third person and, as he ran his fingers through his nearly 23,000 loonies, he described his plans for the future, “One day these Loonies are gonna be worth a dollar twenty, you’ll see, and when they are the government is gonna try and take my Loonies just like they took my pennies!” During our interview we never met Ned Lumpkin’s wife, although we did meet his children, which, apparently, were some more Loonies that he had hidden under his bed.