Vancouver, B.C. – “I just love that song For Elise, it’s super beautiful.” said Amy Jankle, “I think Beethoven wrote it because Salieri hated Mozart or something.” Amy has had many other ring tones in the past that she has also enjoyed, including Vivaldi’s Springtime from The Four Seasons and Chopin’s The Minute Waltz. “I like that kind of music because, like, I’m weirdly smart. Like, people not might think I am because I say dumb stuff but I like Mozart and Beethoven. Moonlight Sonata is a nice song.” When asked about what kind of music she listens to at home Amy replied, “Well, I like classical on in the the background and stuff when I am doing my Biochemistry homework but when I want to listen to real music I listen to Taylor Swift.”

This Is Just A Friendly Reminder that your reading response to Harper Lee’s obituary is due on Monday. You’ve all had two weeks to work on it and it’s worth 20% of your English 12 mark.

Victoria, B.C. – “It wasn’t even a contest,” said Gloria Upright, “my dual carbon fiber  Klondike hiker 300SX walking sticks are the way of the future. I should really wear a seat belt when I fire these puppies up.” Agatha Norbrook, with her one stick, feels that walking is a pleasure and not a race, “I was just on my way to get some milk when one of those 60 year old youngsters blew past me on the street! It isn’t safe you know, I’m one fall away from the grave. I just don’t see the point in 2 sticks, I’ve used the same stick for 50 years.” Despite what she said, Agatha was clearly annoyed by her competition. On Sunday, after church, Agatha was seen with 3 walking sticks of the latest model. She passed Gloria with ease but then lost control and careened into a telephone pole at approximately 11 kilometers per hour.

Fort Mac – “Holy fucking shit,” yelled Ted Hemden, an employee for Suncor Energy, “Run!” The ancient demon was awakened after an oil well penetrated its lair. It crawled up out of the blackness and slew all who stood near. “We project oil prices will be sharply affected by this event.” Said CBC financial correspondent, Kathy Durin, “I’m sure it will return to the ruins of Angband at some point.” Some experts, like Jonathan White, say the Balrog is unstoppable. “We were too greedy, we were blinded by our desire for Dodge Ram’s and hedonistic vacations to Mexico. Now we have awoken an ancient evil, and the realm of man is doomed.”

“It Is Just One Of Those Films That Sticks With You.” Writes Bob Malon, of the New York Times, “After it’s over, you just cry.” This years academy awards seem to be overshadowed by director BestVinesCompliationandCrazyCrash69’s masterwork Insane Car Crash Compilation 2015 #3. Hailed as the best of the 7 similar films Mr. BestVines has completed in his short career, Critic Jan Eisenberg thinks the movie will sweep like it did at the golden globes. “It is an emotional roller coaster that takes you from the peaceful calm of a Russian highway to the incredible violence of a Russian highway. It really raises awareness of the car accident epidemic in Russia, something the media seems to ignore.” On Sunday, February 28th, Chris Rock will host the 88th Academy Awards.