Boston, MA – “If these little shits think I’m going to just back down, they’ve got it all wrong,” said Professor of English Literature, Dr. Joseph Muntz. “If I ask a question I will wait up to 8 minutes until one of them finally cracks.” On Monday, Dr. Muntz was reading a passage from Ulysses when he asked the class if anyone could point out an example of metaphor in the poem. “They just sat there. They looked at the floor and stared into space. The tick of the clock was thunder, the silence filled every crevice until the question loomed like a mountain. Minutes passed. I stood, unwavering. A plane flew overhead. I bet they all wished they were on that plane.” As the sound of the plane’s engines trailed off, a student raised her hand. “When she answered my question I was, of course, delighted, and we moved on with the lecture.” When asked if he might change his approach to lecturing, specifically the way he addresses the whole class when asking questions, Dr. Muntz answered:
“They want their porridge and their fat bull-beeves:
Either they must be dieted like mules
And have their provender tied to their mouths
Or piteous they will look, like drowned mice.”
Victoria, BC – “I didn’t know how to stop, they just kept coming,” said Marcus Vanderhoot, “I just didn’t know how to smoothly sever my responsibility to that door.” Vanderhoot, a University student, meant to hold the door for just one person at the Bay Centre this past Friday. “But after she had gone through I made eye contact with the next person heading towards the entrance and so the laws of politeness dictated that I must hold it for them as well!” This pattern continued for several more hours. “My arm was getting so tired, but people kept smiling expectantly at me and I couldn’t just stop, it’s not that easy!” After 5 hours Marcus collapsed from exhaustion and was treated for dehydration at Victoria General Hospital. The fear of being awkward or rude resulted in just under 1900 deaths in Victoria last year.
Salt Spring Island – Police are warning the public about the dangers of firecrackers this Halloween, and reminding everyone that not everybody likes the loud sound they make. Local mother, Whisper Finnegan, disapproves of the use of firecrackers on Halloween, “They are too loud! My children, Josiah, Isaac, Moses, and Agatha, are home-schooled, and they are easily startled by the unnatural sound created by those horrible fire bombs!” Whisper and her husband, Jasper, have been lobbying to get fireworks banned in their neighbourhood ever since they retired and had children. “They are just unnecessary,” said Jasper, “and not nearly as fun as a campfire song.” Many people with home-schooled children will opt to keep them indoors during stressful holidays like Halloween, Canada Day, Christmas, and Saturday, but they are not always safe on their own property. “We’ve had reports of dogs running away from home after hearing a firework discharge,” said constable Sanders, “And this can be an issue because many home-schooled children are afraid of dogs as well.” Sanders advises the public to be aware of how they are using fireworks so that all members of the community will have a fun and safe Halloween.
Salem, MA – The good townsfolk of Salem are always extra cautious this time of year, they know it isn’t safe after dark. Salem native, Fred O’Leary, sighted the pasty ghoul just yesterday, “You can hear him in the distance at night, the mournful howls send shivers right down me spine.” The restless spirit has returned to this town every year since the mid 90s, as the legend goes, and he scours the hills after dark seeking to find his once youthful hairline. “Don’t let him catch you,” warned O’Leary, “He’ll slice your hair right off, but not all of it, he’ll just sort of enlarge your forehead until people don’t take you seriously anymore. The poor bastards that he’s caught have had to shave the rest of their head.” Another local, Margaret Ferguson, had a very close encounter with the monster, “I heard sobbing in the barn one night, so I investigated. What I saw there was a figure dressed all in black, hunched over and looking so vulnerable. For some reason I felt the need to get closer, and maybe see him for who he truly was. As I drew nearer I saw the truly gruesome sight of his enormous forehead glistening in the moonlight. I ran back to the house, I knew he was truly a monster, I warned the others.” It is advised that the public take extra caution when in the town of Salem this Halloween, and remember, you are only only safe once you have crossed the covered bridge.
Ottowa, On – A security alert has been issued by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service today after many reports have come in that clever raccoon’s have been using traditional Islamic clothing to disguise themselves. “I was just sitting there on a bench eating a sandwich when a tiny, furry hand reached out and snatched it! When I turned to grab it back, the whole figure collapsed and 8 raccoon’s scurried away down the street!” The CSIS has been investigating this threat to our national security for many years and say that the problem has become worse in recent years. “Raccoon’s are just so damn clever, it’s hard to stay one step ahead of them.” The niqab debate in Canada has been a controversial topic in recent months, and this security breach has added fuel to the fire. A Montreal native opposed to the niqab, Pierre Vincenne, had this to say, “Every time I see somebody walking down the street wearing a niqab I think to myself, “That might be a woman, but it could very well be a wobbly tower of crafty racoons”, I have a right to know.” The new Canadian government has assured the population that they are neutral to the niqab as it is a right of Canadians to practice their faith. Many people believe the debate over the niqab was triggered by the raccoon’s in a plot to distract and divide us while they steal our cat food.
THE WOODS – The event set an attendance record this year with nobody in attendance. “It makes me proud that hermits are really sticking to their values these days”, said former hermit, Dale. “But that’s all I have to say, stop asking questions.” The golden lantern is presented every year to a hermit who has displayed outstanding reclusive behavior in the face of an ever encroaching population. The award (a golden lantern on a stick with the words “who goes there” inscribed on the side) is unique in that nobody is ever there to accept it.
Toronto, ON – “It was all over so quick,” said Fred DeLatte, “This thing was full to the brim till after the last game, then everyone just left.” Fred says the band wagon was overloaded to an unsafe degree, and the throngs of people created a real mess. “I’ll be cleaning this all month. Thanks Bautista. I just wish some of those band wagoners stayed to help.” The few, loyal fans of the Blue Jays did stay to help Mr. DeLatte with some of the cleaning. “I am glad some of these guys stayed, I really appreciate their help. It’s a big job.” Fred paused his scrubbing and sighed, “At least I won’t have to clean out the Seahawks band wagon this year.”
Halifax, NS – “I just have this weird feeling I forgot to do that thing before takeoff,” said Captain Charles Luftwinger. “I think it rhymes with “engine””. About 40 minutes into the flight, the copilot mentioned something about the elevator flaps, which jostled the Captains memory, “Jeeze, it’s just one of those days!” The Captain is apparently notorious for forgetting things, “I’m not really a morning person, sometimes I’ll accidentally put orange juice in my coffee instead of milk, or I’ll forget to calibrate the altimeter.” Captain Luftwinger and his copilot shared a laugh over a past occasion when the Captain had put his shirt on inside-out by accident. “I had worn it like that all day,” he chuckled, “I can be so forgetful sometimes”. Still unable to remember the thing, Captain Luftwinger carried on with his duties as he was pretty sure it wasn’t a very important thing.
Red Deer, AB – “I better wear a life jacket,” thought Tyler Frumpkin, as he opened the spit-valve on his trumpet, “Because I don’t want to drown in all the pussy.” The Jazz band is an elite crew of students who’s parents are willing to pick them up later after school, and help mop up the lake of pussy that sloshes in the gym after a concert. “Sometimes I pity the girls, I think they all might go mad with jealousy if I pick just one, so I plan on keeping myself available. It’s only fair.” After playing an entire C major scale with only one mistake, Tyler strutted down the hall and started placing chairs and “Slippery Surface” warnings in the gym. While the regular band at his middle school plays lame music for nerds, the jazz band offers a more sophisticated and sensual selection of repertoire. “Right now we’re working on the Mission Impossible theme song. After we’re done I know the girls are gonna be slavering for a slice of Frumpkin pie.”
Vancouver, BC – A local sad man was seen standing for a period of time by his neighbours front porch. The very sad man thought very sad thoughts as the wilting Jack-O-Lantern on the porch displayed human-like qualities of aging and decay. “I was so young just a little while ago,” thought the sad man as rain started to patter on his jacket “but were’t we all?”. The sad thoughts continued as the sad man shuffled into his little sad car to do other sad things.