The Greatest thing about the United States of America is the freedom to be whatever you want to be. Nobody took advantage of this privilege like Donald J. Trump. Mr. Trump was born in a poor immigrant community in 1949, and during his childhood he felt the pang of starvation as his family struggled to make enough money to survive. Trump didn’t let his situation discourage him, however, and he studied hard in school. After achieving an academic scholarship he attended Harvard business school where he met several colleagues with whom he would start Trump real estate. After considerable financial success Mr. Trump was taken to Plymouth rock where the ceremony of wealth commenced. The founding fathers of America, clothed in the constitution, stripped Donald naked and drowned him in the sea. The next day he was reborn as the son of real estate magnate, Fredrick Trump, thus assuring his wealth for eternity. “Being born rich isn’t something you are born with, it’s something you earn” – Donald J. Trump
Even With Plenty Of Warning from media outlets, 19 total fuckups managed to die in what is arguably the softest weather phenomenon. “They told us to stay inside,” said Grant Macabe, “so if you didn’t and you died it’s kind of your fault.” The snowstorm, the largest in the last hundred years, blanketed the east coast of America for two days and in some cities dumped over two feet of snow.
“Oh Boy,” whispered Zak Monte, “Danny has his hand up again, if he says the capitol of Manitoba is underwear I’m going to explode.” Only 3 minutes previously, Daniel Smithers had raised his hand to answer the question “What is the capital city of Nunavut” with the word “Underwear.” The class erupted in waves of uncontrollable laughter. “It’s just,” said Stacy Wenn, “It’s just preposterous to imagine the funniest piece of clothing being a capital city. Where would people park? Anyway, I think he’s going to say it again and I might lose my shit.” As the tension grew unbearable, and nobody else had raised their hand, the teacher pointed to Danny, “Danny, do you know the answer? It better not be underwear.” The class has never recovered.
Calgary, AB – “It’s all about hard work,” said Mike Winslow, founder of Winslow Investments, “You have to stick to and achieve small frauds that you set for yourself. After a while you’ll start achieving the bigger frauds you had in mind!” Mr. Winslow’s new book, 10 Easy Frauds To Success, describes his journey to immense wealth through self-discipline and hard work and pacing out his fraudulent activity. “The hardest part is convincing yourself that you’re doing the right thing. I mean, I know fraud is illegal but is it really illegal if everybody is doing it? The answer is no.” Mr. Winslow outlined the importance of achieving small frauds first because you need to make sure you aren’t caught early. “Once you have enough money though, it doesn’t matter what you do.” We asked Mr. Winslow if he thought too much money was going to the wealthy and he responded with, “You look at the poor fucks with no money and it’s hard not to feel bad for them. I struggled with that at first but then I realized: I deserve this.”
Vancouver, BC – “I love my friends, they’re so creative!” said Wendy Schlepp, a barista, “They are so much fun and they’re such incredible artists.” Wendy’s friend, Tyler, works at a brewery but he also makes terrible sculptures out of driftwood. “Oh my god I love Tyler! I’m so inspired by his creations, they’re so natural and yeah!” Her other friend, Kylar, doesn’t work but knows 6 chords on the ukulele. His parents made 1.5 million dollars last year. “Kylar is the best! His music is so heartfelt and his voice is so nice oh my god I love him!” Fred, her best friend, teaches African drumming and weaves smelly tapestries out of seaweed. “She is just so cool! I wish I was half as talented as her. I can’t believe I get to hang out with these people, they are so amazing! I feel like I’m part of an incredible arts scene, like in Paris at the turn of the century. But instead of Monet, Debussy, and Renoir, it’s Tyler, Kylar, and Fred. I hope they remember me when they’re famous!”
A NEW STUDY by Statistics Canada has shown that 90% of presents from Santa have gone to the wealthiest 1% of Canadians. “This has been the trend for the past 30 years, with an ever increasing amount of presents being disproportionately delivered to the wealthiest families.” Said Janet Frendle, a researcher for Stats Canada, “We hope our study will show what is really going on at the North Pole.” Experts say the reason for this present-gap is the powerful lobbyists that are working at the North Pole to make sure Santa delivers presents to the children of parents who can pay for influence. Santa could not be reached for comment though he has released a statement saying he will no longer be delivering hover boards as they caused his sleigh to burst into flame during a test run resulting in the death of Blitzen.
JAMES AND RACHEL’S relationship has been a little on-edge these past few weeks, “My friends are dropping like flies,” it said, “It’s like this every year but damn, James really cheaped out on his present for Rachel this time. She was not pleased… But as far as I know, I’ve survived.” Every year, in January, thousands of relationships end because it would just be too cruel to break up before or during Christmas. After all the presents have been received and holiday sex has been had, it’s time to move on and start fresh. “It’s always so crazy after Christmas. For relationships it’s like that scene in Saving Private Ryan when everyone in the landing boat gets slaughtered and only a few make it out. Pretty intense. Just look at the relationship status’ on Facebook, it’s a fucking massacre.” James and Rachel’s relationship is relieved to have survived this January but predicts it won’t survive through Valentines Day unless Rachel gets pregnant.
Fort McMurray – “None of us are here for the money,” said Enbridge employee, Mike Scavel, “There’s just no other feeling like pumping sludge out of the ground.” Oil workers are often misconstrued as working long hours for a large paycheck, but Mike says that’s just not true, “When I was a kid I used my moms vacuum to try and suck oil out of my sandbox (laughs). I’ve always been fascinated with moving substances from below the ground to the surface. The money is just a bonus.” Competition is high, however, as many oil patch jobs have been cut recently. If the oil trade doesn’t work out, Mike says he can always go back to being a waiter like all the other people waiting for their big break.