GREENLAND – “I’ve lived a pretty low-stress life.” Said the 512 year-old Greenland shark named M104, “The only time I get stressed is if I haven’t found something dead to eat in a while.” At 512 years old, M104 has been alive for some of the most important events in human history like the French Revolution and the Renaissance. “I honestly didn’t think much about those things when they happened. I tend to remember the dead whales I come across. Once I found the biggest, fattest dead whale in 1635 and it was just the best. I was full till 1637. I cannot emphasize how important a diet of dead carrion is to living this long. Give it a try and we’ll talk over a nice worm-filled dolphin carcass in 2145.”
It has been confirmed that the hologram of Tupac will be voicing a new character in the upcoming Lion King live action remake. Fans are excited to see how this new character will affect the Lion King story. “I think Tupac hologram is gonna knock this sh** outta the park!” Posted twitter user @Dammmmmn1979. Disney has been praised for it’s diverse casting for the film. “We really wanted to include the deceased.” Said producer Jon Favreau. “They are very underrepresented in modern film. But if you look at older films from the 40’s, for example, most of those people are deceased. We’d love to see John Wayne make a comeback.” When asked to describe the new character Mr. Favreau replied, “it’s gonna be this little, super-jacked lion that raps and does interviews.”
Dreamworks studios has come under fire for casting a white man (Mike Myers) to play a green Scottish ogre in their new film, Shrek. Some Scottish Ogres have been taking to Twitter to voice their outrage. One user, Swampb0y69, posted: “Ogres are a proud people who have traditionally been oppressed by Euro-Settlers. Having Shrek played by a white man is unacceptable! #OscarsSoWhite #WhyNotGreen?” Another user, GreenMachine92, posted: “Not in my swamp! #GreenIsBeautiful.” Mike Myers, the actor playing Shrek, has released a statement saying his casting was the studios decision and he won’t be working with Dreamworks USA in the future. Shrek is due to be released this year and is expected to do well at the box office domestically but it is safe to assume there will be low attendance at theaters located under bridges or in Swamps.
“It was overwhelming.” Said Riley Gerard, a veteran of the Road to Rome expansion pack. “It felt like I was there again and it meant so much that these people were so moved by the story of an event that I took part in.” Mr. Gerard had over 26 kills and only 15 deaths during his experience in the war. Some of his friends, however, weren’t so lucky. “My good friend Ricky disconnected while flying us in a bomber and we all crashed as a result. He has a girlfriend now and I haven’t seen him since.”
LA – Steve-O, an extreme performer known for his stunts on the “Jackass” franchise, has booked a new North America stand up comedy tour that includes the guy from the United Airlines flight as his opener. “He’s been through a lot,” says Steve-O. “But he’s got a really great act and it’s really cool to have him opening for me.” Over the course of the show, Steve-O opens up about fame and drugs, and makes light of his current recovery. This all happens, of course, after Steve-O forcefully drags his opener off the stage to thunderous applause and laughter.
9.7489° N, 83.7534° W – Only a small handful of brave, adventurous people have seen this pristine lagoon on the east coast of Costa Rica. Far away from the regular tourist beaches, this lagoon is a secret kept by locals who have begged us not to publish this article! Secluded from the wind and surrounded by waterfalls, this picturesque tropical paradise will surely help you “figure things out” before your next term of University. So put on your hiking boots and check out a place that only you know about because you are pretty much a friend of the Costa Rican people after you tipped the taxi driver so much.
“Whoever makes it out of the pit will receive free healthcare,” announced Rex Tillerson, the Secretary of State. “Think of how innovative people will be. So much Innovation!” The plan would cost substantially less than the Affordable Care Act although many people would be left uninsured and many would be eaten or murdered. Local Trump supporter Bill Green was heard saying, “It’s all talk, this will never pass through congress” as he was being lowered into the pit on Sunday.
“It’s our last hope.” Says Senator Elizabeth Warren. “I hope they can read.” Unlike the Northern Star, many journalistic publications have been caught reporting lies as truth. This phenomenon has led to the prevalence of “Fake News,” which many believe helped get Donald Trump elected. The airlift operation is expected to cost over 22 million dollars and has been nicknamed “Operation: I hope they can read.”
“They asked the question in English!” said Paul Hemsworth, a witness at the press conference. “What he did was so rude, he should be ashamed.” This is the latest scandal in a seemingly endless stream for the President-elect. The election was plagued by divisions in the parties and many Americans have damaged relations with their political counter parts. Residents of California, a state which voted overwhelmingly for Hilary Clinton, says it will be taking action to discourage Trump supporters from entering the state by lining its borders with peer-reviewed academic journals.
“We’ve got to make sure we take lots of photos of Grandpa at Christmas this year,” said Darlene Winthrop. “Because he’s getting old you know.” Every year the Winthrops gather at Grandma and Grandpa’s house to celebrate Christmas, but this year the priority has been creating a visual record of Grandpa’s existence. “He had a small heart attack a few months ago,” reports Darlene. “Grandma has already started looking at condos.”