“It was overwhelming.” Said Riley Gerard, a veteran of the Road to Rome expansion pack. “It felt like I was there again and it meant so much that these people were so moved by the story of an event that I took part in.” Mr. Gerard had over 26 kills and only 15 deaths during his experience in the war. Some of his friends, however, weren’t so lucky. “My good friend Ricky disconnected while flying us in a bomber and we all crashed as a result. He has a girlfriend now and I haven’t seen him since.”
LA – Steve-O, an extreme performer known for his stunts on the “Jackass” franchise, has booked a new North America stand up comedy tour that includes the guy from the United Airlines flight as his opener. “He’s been through a lot,” says Steve-O. “But he’s got a really great act and it’s really cool to have him opening for me.” Over the course of the show, Steve-O opens up about fame and drugs, and makes light of his current recovery. This all happens, of course, after Steve-O forcefully drags his opener off the stage to thunderous applause and laughter.
9.7489° N, 83.7534° W – Only a small handful of brave, adventurous people have seen this pristine lagoon on the east coast of Costa Rica. Far away from the regular tourist beaches, this lagoon is a secret kept by locals who have begged us not to publish this article! Secluded from the wind and surrounded by waterfalls, this picturesque tropical paradise will surely help you “figure things out” before your next term of University. So put on your hiking boots and check out a place that only you know about because you are pretty much a friend of the Costa Rican people after you tipped the taxi driver so much.
“Whoever makes it out of the pit will receive free healthcare,” announced Rex Tillerson, the Secretary of State. “Think of how innovative people will be. So much Innovation!” The plan would cost substantially less than the Affordable Care Act although many people would be left uninsured and many would be eaten or murdered. Local Trump supporter Bill Green was heard saying, “It’s all talk, this will never pass through congress” as he was being lowered into the pit on Sunday.
“It’s our last hope.” Says Senator Elizabeth Warren. “I hope they can read.” Unlike the Northern Star, many journalistic publications have been caught reporting lies as truth. This phenomenon has led to the prevalence of “Fake News,” which many believe helped get Donald Trump elected. The airlift operation is expected to cost over 22 million dollars and has been nicknamed “Operation: I hope they can read.”
“They asked the question in English!” said Paul Hemsworth, a witness at the press conference. “What he did was so rude, he should be ashamed.” This is the latest scandal in a seemingly endless stream for the President-elect. The election was plagued by divisions in the parties and many Americans have damaged relations with their political counter parts. Residents of California, a state which voted overwhelmingly for Hilary Clinton, says it will be taking action to discourage Trump supporters from entering the state by lining its borders with peer-reviewed academic journals.
“We’ve got to make sure we take lots of photos of Grandpa at Christmas this year,” said Darlene Winthrop. “Because he’s getting old you know.” Every year the Winthrops gather at Grandma and Grandpa’s house to celebrate Christmas, but this year the priority has been creating a visual record of Grandpa’s existence. “He had a small heart attack a few months ago,” reports Darlene. “Grandma has already started looking at condos.”
“I managed to get past their firewall with a program I sent in a cover email,” said D4rthR8dor, a notorious hacker. “But when I seized control of the computer remotely, I just couldn’t find anything on that fucking rats nest of a desktop. Who is this person?!” The woman who was hacked, Diane Bundle, was shocked to find out her computer had been compromised. “I couldn’t believe it!” Diane said. “I started my computer in the morning and found that my desktop had been totally erased and only one folder which read ‘organize your shit ffs’ was left.” When asked if he stole anything, D4rthR8dor replied: “No. Her computer was too stressful for me to even look at. I had to get out quick.”
“It’s similar to a session I might have during the rest of the year,” said Craig Smothers. “But it’s a bit more jaunty!” Porn creators have been filming holiday themed porn for many years and attribute it’s success to men like Craig. “It warms our hearts to know somebody is whacking off in the spirit of Christmas,” said Fled Jlonssohn, a porn director. Holiday pornographic films such as The Grinch Who Fucked Christmas, The Polar Express To Pound Town, A Christmas Carol XXX, and Rudolph the Red-Dicked Fuckdeer continue to sell out despite the fact that nobody pays for porn anymore. “You’ve got to pay for holiday porn,” says Craig. “It’s the season of giving.”
Raqqa – The U.S. military has deployed teams of highly untrained cyclists to disrupt a new ISIS offensive out of Raqqa. “We know how hard it is to pass a wobbly-ass cyclist,” said Gen. Maddox. “They will help slow the ISIS convoy and make it easier for us to hit targets from the air.” When asked about the danger to the cyclists, Gen. Maddox informed us that many had lost their lives but that he wasn’t particularly remorseful because timid cyclists are “the goddamn worst”.