Pyonyang – The DPRK has announced another missile has been launched successfully into the ocean off of North Korea. Despite international sanctions, the DPRK continues to expand its missile program  which has resulted in the death of countless fish. “We have the strongest missile program in the world,” Said General Sun Yoon “If our glorious leader gives us an order we will follow!” General Yoon then turned the launch key and fired a ballistic missile directly into an octopus that was tragically close to the surface.

AT 2 AM ON MARCH 13th our noble planet sped up its rotation to put us forward an hour in compliance with daylight savings time. “It’s a real pain in the ass” said Earth, “I guess it has something to do with farmers? Seems dumb.” Earth says it will slow down its orbit to put humans back an hour in the fall. “I feel like Mars back when he had humans living on him.”

A NEW POLL suggests that more than 83% of Trump supporters respond enthusiastically to spam bots on twitter. This information was gathered by “Sexy Good Times,” a porn spam firm in Vietnam. According to their data, people with positive tweets relating to Donald Trump always responded to the artificial advances of their spam bots. “It’s really incredible” said Ahn Dung Pho, the manager of the firm, “They almost always respond as if they think they can really get to know our bots. Some of them even propose marriage, they are truly stupid, gullible people.” When Trump supporters find out they have been tricked by a bot they are enraged and become even more determined to vote for Donald Trump. In February Trump promised to destroy all twitter bots.

ACCORDING TO THE GOP, Donald J. Trump has a wee little pecker that resembles the stem of a pumpkin. “We know, we saw it in the GOP locker room,” said Mitt Romney as he left the capitol building this morning. “He is orange like a pumpkin so it only makes sense that he would have a tiny lil’ pumpkin stem penis.” After airing Trump’s carefully “gourded” secret, Mitt went on to say Trump would never be the nominee because he doesn’t have a giant Mitt Romney sized vagina smasher. “When my penis is erect I feel like a tower crane,” continued Mitt, “I have to lean back and carry a counter-weight to make sure I don’t tip over. I can assure you my wife is very pleased when I unleash “the governor.” Donald Trump was quick to respond to Mitt’s allegations about his penis saying, “I have the best dick. Way better than those other guys. Honestly, I don’t even know what they’re talking about. If Mitt shows the world his dick I will show him mine.” It is confirmed that the next republican debate will feature a penis measuring of all candidates.