Arizona State University – “We’re looking to find the most ultra competitive folks out there,” said Dan Hedley, head scout for ASU, “we want people who will do anything to win. Anything. What better place to look than among our nations athletes!” Dan then laughed to himself and said, “before we started this system our business program was full of such PUSSIES, now we’ve got some real people who grab life by the fucking balls and aren’t afraid to RIP IT UP.” When asked if he ever scouted at soccer games, Dan snorted, “We already do a lot to support the gay community at ASU. So no, I don’t scout at soccer games, you can ask my WIFE.” At the end of the interview Dan handed me his business card which was a bottle of hair gel with his name and number printed on the side.
Barry Johnson can’t see all your shitty Christmas couple pictures because he’s busy landing an Airbus A380 in Dubai.”Every year around Christmas, people gather with their families and love ones, but I need to stay here and make sure all those people get to where they need to go!” Over the impressive roar of the aircraft’s engines, we asked Barry if he ever felt lonely during the holidays, “Pardon me?” He said, “I’m a little busy right now, you might have to come back later.” As he skillfully brought the plane down lightly onto the tarmac, he couldn’t stop smiling. “Lonely?” he said again, once the Airbus was fully stopped and being refueled, “How many people do you know are in a relationship?” He asked, “How many people do you know have a fully operational flight control panel with force feedback, multi display, and a real captains chair from a 707?” Barry started to grin, and as he throttled up for take off he said over his shoulder, “I didn’t think so.”
“So What Do You Do?” Said…. Ken? “What have you been up to these days?” You explain that you are studying at University. Upon hearing your major, your relative replies with a laugh, “what are you gonna do with that!?”
A New Study shows that more than 79% of children prefer mom’s house during the holidays. “Mom has a way nicer house,” said James, 9, “And I always get lots of presents from Doug, my stepdad.” Many children base their decisions on the number of presents they will receive, the quality of the food, and the limited number of encounters with dad’s weird girlfriend. “She smells like Febreze,” said James. Some kids do, however, choose to spend Christmas with their father because of overwhelming sympathy and guilt. “I’m all he has,” said Tyler Blemkin, 12, “He’s such a fucking sad sack, I just can’t stand saying ‘no’ to the man.” Even though the decision can be tough, most kids are glad they are lucky enough to have two Christmases. Some kids only have one.
Mayfair Mall, BC – “Holy shit, what day is it?” gasped local dad, Phil Trunder, “Jesus fucking Christ.” On December 24th, millions of dads will dad their way into town in their dad-mobiles (Hyundai Santa Fe’s) and desperately shop for whatever is left. “Kids like sand paper right?” thought Ed McNeil, father of two. “I’m sure my wife would like some paper towel.” The dads will return just in time to dad with their family and make a dad joke about shopping at the last second like a dad.
Montreal, QB – “We usually just have Debbie sort shoes in the back,” said Janet Boucher, “But during the holidays we need to have her ringing in customers because we really get busy.” Debbie, an employee at the Bay for over 20 years, was seen sweating profusely while she tried to get the debit machine to work. “I’m not sure why…” gasped Debbie, as a line of 29 people looked on,”I need to ask my manager.” It was reported that at the end of the season, Debbie will be traded to Walmart.
Sidney, BC – “Look, quick! Look at what Mittens is doing!” Exclaimed Grandma, “He’s in that box!” Grandma, excited to an almost dangerous level, continued, “Silly cat, what are you doing?! Get in here quick and look at this!” After heeding her calls, you find that Mittens has ceased his antics and Grandma is disappointed in you. “You’ll never believe what Mittens was doing today,” said Grandma at dinner later that day.
Winnipeg, MA – “Really? You’re cold?” Said John Grimbly, father of two, “Well I’m not Bill Fucking Gates so this is as warm as it gets.” Mr. Grimbly becomes irrationally irate when when the thermostat is turned up past 17 degrees Celsius. “It’s not just me,” said Mr. Grimbly, “All the other dads agree that is a reasonable temperature.” By Keeping the heat turned down over the winter it is estimated that Mr. Grimbly saves $64 and reduces the lifespan of his family by 15 years collectively.
St. Johns, NL – “I just believe that we’re all the same, you know, we’re all God’s creatures,” said Dave Davidson, as his dog, Sparky, eyed his mouth wistfully. “I’ve had Sparky for 4 years now, I just love this guy!” Right on cue, Sparky jumped onto Dave’s lap and began licking around the exterior and interior of Dave’s mouth. “Hahaha! Did you know dogs have cleaner mouths than humans?” Dave, like many other men who fancy themselves carefree, lovable, or down to earth, thinks that letting his dog violate him in this way is socially acceptable. Dave continued to giggle as Sparky maneuvered his tongue under Dave’s teeth to see if any leftover macaroni was hiding there. When asked if he was aware that Sparky had been seen eating cat shit earlier, Dave informed us that we were being total downers and asked us to leave.
Fangorn Forest – “The Ents are the stewards of the forest and we will not stand by while our brothers die,” said Treebeard, the eldest of the Ents. “If a solution is not found to the problem of climate change, my brothers and I will march on your cities and restore the balance.” Treebeard has been in Paris since the COP21 climate talks began, hoping his presence and the threat of a war with the Ents might encourage an agreement. When asked by a reporter if he believed climate change was man-made, Treebeard tore the journalist in half and hurled his remains through the window of the conference room.