Montreal, QB – “It’s just so insensitive,” said Jean Renaud, a meth lab operator. “It’s not the breed, it’s the owner.” On September 27 a new bylaw was passed that enforces a ban on all pit bull or mixed pit bull breeds. “These are members of our family,” continued Jean as he adjusted his Tapout shirt, “these dogs are sweethearts and it just isn’t fair how they’re portrayed in the media.” Jean will have to apply for a license by December 31 if he wants to keep his pit bull, Alexis Texas. Meth lab operators, drug dealers, bikers, and attention seeking liberals will be expected to stage a protest in front of city hall early next week.
Johns Hopkins University Medical Research Center – “If you take it upon yourself to drastically change your way of life,” says David Golschmann, “You are putting yourself at serious risk.” Researchers found through a study of more than 300,000 people that if you ever reinvent yourself (for example, distance yourself from friends, change your daily routine or clothes, travel extensively, end a long term relationship, etc.) you are increasing your risk of having every kind of cancer. “Cancer originates in your cells,” says Dr. Golschmann, “If your cells get spooked by your sudden desire to ‘not be a loser anymore’ they will react by mutating into cancer. Most people will change gradually throughout their lives, but a sudden deliberate change will definitely kill you.” The findings of this study are very alarming, as reinventing oneself is the number one hobby amongst millennials. Three percent of millennials will reinvent themselves privately, while 97 percent will post every detail of their journey online.
“I love riding motorcycles but I’m 63 now and I have lots of medication and several changes of clothes that I need to bring with me,” Gary Ghent, a motorcycle shopper, looks like he’ll be interested in the new Honda Goldwing. “Complete with airbag, heated seats, radio, GPS, 5 million CC engine, and 300,000 foot pounds of torque, I’ll be lucky to get .5 miles to the gallon on this beast,” Gary laughs. “My wife said, ‘Can we just get a car?’ And I was like, ‘Fuck that, that’s not how I roll.'”
Ft. Lotterdale, WA – “We thought he was really talented.” said Harold Lebenstein, a record executive for RCA, “You know, talented for a homeless guy. So we sign him because he’s already gone viral and it looks like he’s gonna be a hit. So what does he decide to do with his signing bonus? He uses it for a down payment on a new home. Great. You know who else has a house? Krystian Zimmerman, Andras Schiff, Martha Argerich… I mean come on, Barry! What were you thinking? We didn’t like your playing, you’re garbage, but we LOVED your story!” Barry, the homeowner pianist, had his contract terminated on August 28th. There was no cancellation clause so Barry was awarded no money. However RCA record is reported to have dropped off a kilo of crack cocaine at Barry’s new home in an attempt to revive his career as a homeless pianist.