“This Is Really Embarrassing, This Doesn’t Usually Happen, It’s Just Been A Long Time And You Are Just So Pretty” – Senior Vice President of Nexen Energy Apologizes for Alberta Oil Spill

CALGARY – At a tense press conference Ron Bailey, Vice President of Nexen Energy, apologized profusely for the sudden and unexpected spill. “Oh Jeeze, would you look at that. Wow. Wow… Okay, um, yeah so this is a little awkward.” He explained that this isn’t normal and he hopes that Nexen’s relationship with Alberta won’t be tarnished. Dealing with this PR nightmare, Mr. Bailey tried frantically to offer some immediate short-term solutions to the spill, “Maybe we could, like, watch a movie then try again and just forget about this? Or we could do some other stuff for a while?” The VP explained again and again that this rarely happens. When asked how much toxic oil was leaked Mr. Bailey responded, “About 5 million litres, like I said it’s been a very long time”. Alberta Premier, Rachel Notley, says that she is upset about the spill, and other recent spills, but “Pipeline leaks are normal, they happen to all oil companies, they shouldn’t be embarrassed, they should continue to invest in our province.” After the press conference Ron Bailey offered to make Alberta waffles in the morning.