A NEW STUDY published this past week by Waterloo University researchers suggests that those of us who turn around and gleefully watch our feces flush may also have a better chance of maintaining a healthy relationship. “We aren’t really surprised by our findings,” said Dr. Debra Fingler. “The research we have done has reinforced what many of us have known as common knowledge for years. It’s good to have a study to back that up though!” Not only does watching your poo lead to healthier relationships, statistics show that countries where people watch their poop flush have a much higher GDP than those who don’t. So the next time you glance wistfully over your shoulder to observe your despicable creation taking its final plunge to a watery grave, rest easy knowing it was for the good of all those around you.

Seoul, SK – The South Korean government recently announced a plan to limit visor size to 50 cm after residents were causing disruption from wearing visors of over 1.3 meters in length. “When you walk down the street in Seoul during the summer it’s nothing but visors out there,” said John Yoon, a resident of Seoul. “I don’t know if there are people in South Korea anymore or if it’s just visors!” Many people favor the new restrictions but Korean women aged 23-103 overwhelmingly oppose the ban on larger visors. “I’ve gotta have a giant visor,” said Dolly Kim. “If the sun touches my skin even once I will look like one of those worthless Chinese.”

“Listen here, Gents, ’cause it’s about to get dense and I expect recompense for all that incense I spent getting you fuckers less tense. I built that fence to keep my events condensed. I meant no offence, but there are simply some events that must be condensed. I don’t know where the time went, but you’ve gone and done it. You broke the pence fence”