Victoria, B.C. – “It just makes me sad to imagine a road having no traffic.” Said Glenda Blande, “So I make sure to drive around in the middle of the day with no destination.” Victoria is a quaint little city in Canada that is home to 98% of the nation’s elderly population. “We came here to die.” Said Winston Slugget, a 61 year old retiree. “But before we die we need to drive around a whole bunch really slowly for no reason. I’m retired, I have nowhere to go, my friends and I just want to make sure there is a heavy volume of traffic at 11am.” If you visit Victoria it is important to be aware of the traffic rushes that occur at 8am (the morning commute to work), 9am (Neurotic parents driving their children to school) 11am (Brunch rush), 1pm (Lunch rush), 2pm (Neurotic parents picking up their shitty kids), 3pm (the return commute warm-up rush), 4pm-6pm (The grand fucking finale).
Germania, QB – Our Northern Star investigative team has uncovered a secret tape of a meeting between Justin Trudeau and his father, Pierre Elliot Trudeau. Some may find the contents of the transcript disturbing but it is entirely factual. A dramatization can be found here at Trudeau Secret Meeting.
Pierre: Are you ready to do your duty for Canada?
Justin: Yes, father.
Pierre: You will not be Prime Minister.
Justin: Which wiser, older man is to take my place?
Pierre: My powers will pass to Mulroney to hold in trust until the Senate is ready to rule once more. Canada is to be a Republic again.
Pierre: My decision disappoints you?
Justin: You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues — wisdom, justice, fortitude, and temperance. As I read the list I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, Father — ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel; resourcefulness; courage, perhaps not on the battle field but there are many forms of courage; devotion, to my family, to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn’t want me for your son.
Pierre: Oh, Justin, you go too far.
Justin: I searched the faces of the gods for ways to please you, to make you proud…. One kind word, one full hug while you pressed me to your chest and held me tight, would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years…. What is it in me you hate so much? All I ever wanted was to live up to you, Caesar, Father.
Pierre: Justin, your faults as a son, is my failure as a father.
Pierre: Father, I would have butchered the whole world if you would have only loved me!!!
(Muffled sounds of struggling)
Holiday Inn – “I’m so honoured.” Said Albert, a bed bug, “I’m so lucky to have been promoted, there were so many bed bugs up for the job. So, so many.” Albert began working at the Holiday Inn in 1998 but soon scuttled up the ladder through various promotions. “We looked at our staff list in 2016 and thought, wow! Albert has been at this hotel the longest and is one of our busiest employees.” Said Tim Furnace, the regional manager. “We should give him the job! He earned it.” When he isn’t managing the hotel, Albert enjoys tending to the blood of his guests and participating in the all-night bedbug fuck fest that takes place in every mattress in every Holiday Inn.
Yuk Yok’s – “Women take forever to get ready, it’s ridiculous!” Jim Freeman, a stand up comic, said. “But guys know just what to do, and we don’t need no directions!” Freeman has been doing stand up for 10 years now, but just recently started writing a biting new set about the differences between men and women. “I’d been doing the same jokes for 10 years and was really tired of them. I felt like I was at a dead end, but then I just dug deeper within myself and began to realize how funny it is that men and women do things differently.” Jim Freeman’s new stand up special C’mon guys! is now available on Netflix.
Vancouver, WA – A bill was passed in Congress today, banning all peanuts from attending school. “I love school. I just want to learn,” said Peter Nutbutter, 7, a peanut, “Why can’t I go?” Peter’s mother, Jan Nutbutter, 46, said, “The schools banned peanuts because they said we are, quote, ‘dangerous’ and a ‘potential threat.’ It’s discrimination.” Activists across the nation are calling for the law to be repealed. “Every peanut deserves the right to an education, just like human children,” Peanut rights activist Jerry Crunchy, 38, said. “Just because some kids might be deathly allergic to peanuts, doesn’t mean that we should be banned from public places. Kids shouldn’t be eating us in the first place—they are the dangerous ones.”
A Tree – “I’m kind of old-fashioned,” said Barry, a yellow jacket wasp. “I like to live off the grid and really be a part of nature.” It is estimated that 79% of wasps live in barbecues and 20% live in abandoned Honda Civics. Just 3% live in trees. “It’s kind of sad you know,” Barry said, “We have lost touch with who we are. I think that has a lot to do with why some wasps are so sad.” When asked if he felt his historic abode was adequate without modern technology, he assured me that he has never felt better. Then he stung me on the eyelid and climbed into my can of soda.
Boston, MA – Recently featured on Ellen, Mohammed Khalesh is the youngest person to be invited to attend the Google science fair. “My father says it is an exciting time for me!” Said Mohammed, “and my mother says I love science!” His invention, an app that detects cancer in fruit bats, was invented by Mohammed with no help from his father, who is an engineer. “I have other interests too,” said Mohammed, “I like to fill out college applications and study for SAT’s.” When asked what school he would like to attend in the future Mohammed answered, “whichever one is furthest away from my psychotic parents.”
Victoria, B.C. – “We are just trying to make our neighbourhoods safer,” said Sally Feale, a speed watch volunteer. “Our digital shame numbers have worked so well to curb speeding so we’ve started using the same system for all aspects of life. We hope to build a perfect society free of sin.” Speed watch is a community program that helps reduce speeding by tracking speeders and shaming them with digital signs that display a drivers speed. “We’ve now installed these signs in the homes and offices of our neighbours so as to keep them on the right track.” Some signs have been installed at desks to display how much time has been wasted, and in bedrooms to display the age disparity between you and your partner. “The signs in the bedroom will also shame you by displaying the number of times you’ve masturbated this month.”