Merritt, BC – God damn it. That guy in the Dodge RAM just passed you again on the highway and made you look like a little bitch. You thought you were the king of the highway? This guy is the God of the highway. Wherever he’s going, he’s gonna get there 45 second before you. He’s probably on his way to your place to fuck your girlfriend. Now you have to look at his tail lights. Look at him, five car lengths ahead of you, just leading the way like you need to be led. Fuck this guy! Nobody passes you and your F-150! Nobody!
Merritt, BC – God damn it. That guy in the F-150 just passed you on the highway and made you look like a little bitch. You thought you were the king of the highway? This guy is the God of the highway. Wherever he’s going, he’s gonna get there 45 second before you. He’s probably on his way to your place to fuck your girlfriend. Now you have to look at his tail lights. Look at him, five car lengths ahead of you, just leading the way like you need to be led. Fuck this guy! Nobody passes you and your Dodge RAM! Nobody!
New York City, NY – Last night a performance by DJ $hit$nax was interrupted repeatedly by a patron’s mobile device. The first incident was disruptive, but largely ignored – a mark of Mr. $hit$nax’s professionalism. However, after the third disruption, the performance was halted by $hit$nax, and the perpetrator was escorted out under a storm of boos. “It was just awful. Shameful. No respect for the music. Is this the time in which we live?” Sharon Smith, an audience member, remarked. “Just as we were reaching a point of emotional climax, as the performer and audience were one, as the music was singing to our very souls, that disrespectful trollop answered his ringing cellphone! Inexcusable.” $hit$nax’s DJ skillz have been heralded worldwide by many other great DJs. There is no doubt that his music will be studied and cherished for hundreds of years after he ceases to mix tracks.
The Pentagon – “With this new drone technology, boots on the ground will no longer be required for operations in the Middle East,” General Hector Bull said. “These drones can eliminate enemy targets from over 14 miles away. Once the area has been secured the drone will start pumping sweet, sweet black gold from under that godforsaken sand. All without putting any of our boys at risk!” President Obama will be sending these new drones into combat in the Middle East in early 2016. The U.S. military has placed an order for 5,000 units.
San Francisco – “Who is left up there?” asked Netflix marketing analyst, Brad Grimply. “The economic and social impacts are going to be devastating.” Netflix routinely collects data for advertisers including viewer preferences and location information. According to this data, over 7 million Canadians packed up their homes and moved to seemingly random locations all over the U.S. between 9 pm and 11:30 pm last night. “We were up all night here at Netflix trying to figure this out. I guess things aren’t going well for our neighbour to the north,” Mr. Grimply said. The panic at Netflix subsided once Facebook confirmed that the Canadians had all moved back by 2 am.
Oak Bay – “We were very careful with our money,” said Wendy Gladrock, “and now we have enough put away to give us peace of mind as we near our imminent demise.” After long and fulfilling careers, Wendy and her husband, Burt, enjoy a life of leisure away from the pressures of work. “Now we have so much time together! We like to go out and have a romantic dinner every once in a while, and as I look into his eyes I think about how soon the cold hand of death will take him.” Burt, a former financial analyst, also reflected on the effect all this free time has had on their marriage, “Until recently, I had never really noticed how our once youthful faces have been ravaged by time. It won’t be long now!”
Indoors, California – After ten days of watching Netflix, playing video games, and otherwise avoiding all social contact, Seth Greenblatt, 27, wondered if his hobbies were actually fears. “I don’t like going outside, but I’m not sure if it’s because I really like watching movies at home, or because I have agoraphobia,” Seth said. “Either way, I like it in here, and I’m not going to leave.” Seth’s other favourite activities include avoiding water, heights, and clowns. “They’re scary as sh*t,” Seth shuddered.
Vancouver General Hospital – “I know I wasn’t always around for you, son. Here’s the reason why,” said Craig Blumph as he handed a portable hard drive to his son with trembling hands. “It took me a long time to loot and craft all that gear in Fallout 4, but I’m not going to be around to finish the game, so I want you to do it.” Then Craig took a deep breath and handed his son a flash drive. “And in case that doesn’t work, I have a copy of my saved games and login info for M3gaSwag69 on here as well. Please find out what happens at the end of Bioshock for me.” Craig pulled his son closer, “You must complete these games for me, promise me you will!” Craig’s son, Ken, looked up at his father. He realized that Craig, who had been absent most of his life, was not the man he thought he knew. Craig wasn’t always at work, he wasn’t getting drunk at the bar, he was doing something that mattered. He was level grinding in video games so that his son wouldn’t have to. He was leaving a throne onto which his son could ascend. “I promise,” said Ken.
Oxford University – “The Siege of Antioch, a pivotal battle and defining moment of the first crusade, does not seem to be getting any media attention in the wake of the horrific attacks in Paris,” said professor of History at Oxford University, Dr. Henry Kensington. “Is it because many of the victims in the Siege were Muslim? It is not for me to say, but we have seen this pattern in the news before.” The Siege of Antioch lasted from October 21, 1097, to June 2, 1098. During the siege, countless Muslim lives were lost, but many feel this event has been overshadowed by the Western media’s coverage of the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.
Cool, Safe Hangout Spot – Local cool guy wants to assure the public that he has no religious agenda. “I just wanna hang out and shoot the poop, you know? Sure, I believe in Jesus, because he’s super awesome and loves us all! But I’m not here to pressure anyone into anything. I just wanna chat and have some laughs!” Mr. Cool patted his guitar and smiled, “Sometimes we even sing a few songs.” At the end of the interview Mr. Cool said that I “seemed a little down,” and offered to hang out. He says that we all feel a little down sometimes, but we shouldn’t – because he knows somebody who loves everyone and has a plan for all of us.