“We’ve got to make sure we take lots of photos of Grandpa at Christmas this year,” said Darlene Winthrop. “Because he’s getting old you know.” Every year the Winthrops gather at Grandma and Grandpa’s house to celebrate Christmas, but this year the priority has been creating a visual record of Grandpa’s existence. “He had a small heart attack a few months ago,” reports Darlene. “Grandma has already started looking at condos.”

“I managed to get past their firewall with a program I sent in a cover email,” said D4rthR8dor, a notorious hacker. “But when I seized control of the computer remotely, I just couldn’t find anything on that fucking rats nest of a desktop. Who is this person?!” The woman who was hacked, Diane Bundle, was shocked to find out her computer had been compromised. “I couldn’t believe it!” Diane said. “I started my computer in the morning and found that my desktop had been totally erased and only one folder which read ‘organize your shit ffs’ was left.” When asked if he stole anything, D4rthR8dor replied: “No. Her computer was too stressful for me to even look at. I had to get out quick.”

“It’s similar to a session I might have during the rest of the year,” said Craig Smothers. “But it’s a bit more jaunty!” Porn creators have been filming holiday themed porn for many years and attribute it’s success to men like Craig. “It warms our hearts to know somebody is whacking off in the spirit of Christmas,” said Fled Jlonssohn, a porn director. Holiday pornographic films such as The Grinch Who Fucked Christmas, The Polar Express To Pound Town, A Christmas Carol XXX, and Rudolph the Red-Dicked Fuckdeer continue to sell out despite the fact that nobody pays for porn anymore. “You’ve got to pay for holiday porn,” says Craig. “It’s the season of giving.”

Raqqa – The U.S. military has deployed teams of highly untrained cyclists to disrupt a new ISIS offensive out of Raqqa. “We know how hard it is to pass a wobbly-ass cyclist,” said Gen. Maddox. “They will help slow the ISIS convoy and make it easier for us to hit targets from the air.” When asked about the danger to the cyclists, Gen. Maddox informed us that many had lost their lives but that he wasn’t particularly remorseful because timid cyclists are “the goddamn worst”.

Oak Bay – A new study published this week in Northern Star Science Journal shows research that has found a link between waking hours and morality. “People who wake up early are most certainly better people,” said Dr. Arm Menian, head of morality studies at Norman Rockwell University. “We don’t have scientific evidence as of yet, but our instincts tell us we are correct.” Statistically, young people tend to stay up later and wake up later, which has led many to believe that young people (especially this generation, the one that listens to Beyoncé) are immoral. The findings of this study have confirmed that suspicion. When asked what possible solution there could be to this problem, Dr. Menian answered, “More church, less video games.”