North Carolina – “It’s just ridiculous.” Said Jerry Salomay, an LGBT rights activist, “It’s 2016 and anybody should be permitted to drive mustangs, not just middle aged women with marriage problems.” The new law was passed on Tuesday requiring drivers of white Mustangs to show that they were born a woman on their birth certificate. “I don’t want a man to be around our young Mustangs,” said Tim Hett, a Ford representative, “it’s just not right.” The new law has caused many performers to cancel concerts in North Carolina and the backlash is expected to be severe. The governor says he stands by the new law and will enforce it with the full force of the justice system.
Fort Worth, TX – “Yep,” said Jared “Bug Fucker” Nimins. “I got the Zika now. She said she was clean.” The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) has investigated this case and has issued an advisory against intercourse with mosquitoes.”At least wait until we can distribute the vaccine. Please,” said Ted Wundly, a CDC spokesman, “I really can’t believe I need to say this out loud.” In response to the advisory, Mr. Nimins said, “I’m tired of the government telling me what I can or can’t do with my body.”
The Sea – “I don’t want to bite into some skinny bitch,” Snarls, a ragged tooth shark (Charcarias Taurus), said. “Seein’ you makes me hungry but eatin’ you don’t make me full.” Nearly all the sharks we interviewed stated that they preferred their prey to have some “junk in the trunk.” Only one shark, Willie, said he liked his prey to be smaller. “Did Willie say that?” Noam Chompsky, a Bull Shark (Carcharhinus Leucas), asked. “Well, I guess that makes sense, I mean he is a whale shark so he eats nothing but krill. Willie is kind of fucked up.”
Beverly Hills – “We’ve got about another decade before they’re all gone,” said Grant Hilliard, a celebrity death statistician. “We are encroaching on their habitat and they are simply disappearing.” In the last few years many high profile celebrity deaths have shaken the world including Robin Williams and, more recently, Prince. “We are doing what we can to save them,” said Dr. Hilliard, “But there are only so many.” Efforts have been made to encourage breeding among celebrities but many are choosing to adopt African children instead. “We are hoping for the best but when Bill Murray dies it’s basically all over.”
Earth – “It’s just ridiculous that this planet continues to heat up despite the fact that the science on climate change is not conclusive,” said John Peters, a fox news contributor, “The left wing media has been perpetrating lies and this planet seems to believe them without checking all the sources first.” The Earth has been heating up steadily at an unnatural rate since the industrial revolution. Earth says it has nothing to do with politics, “It’s just science, man.” said the Earth, our home planet, “The greenhouse gasses are making me heat up, things are looking pretty bad.” Conservative pundits are dismissing the Earth’s views as highly partisan. “It’s just ridiculous that the Earth would be so polarized. We all live here, try to reach across the Aisle,” said Rush Limbaugh, “Earth does nothing but float around all day and just expects us to support it. These aren’t the values we live by down here. We value hard work and the free market.” Earth responded by scoffing and melting more glaciers to make room for its new man bun.
University Of Victoria – “We are all so excited,” said Anne Deitner, a researcher at UVic’s Micro Aggression laboratory, “I can’t overstate how important this find is.” For years, the M.A. lab has been monitoring equipment 100 feet beneath the campus in order to find elusive micro aggressions. “We needed to make sure the absurdly sensitive equipment was set up in a place where regular aggressions couldn’t interfere with the instruments. Micro aggressions can pass through matter, like our Earth, whereas regular aggressions are too big to do so. So with our detection equipment set up, we just had to wait.” On April 15th, 2016, three years after the experiment was set up, Dr. Deitner and her colleagues noticed a blip on the instruments. “I knew what we had found, I phoned everybody in the department personally. Well, except Ashley, I forgot to phone her. I didn’t mean to, she’s great, but it’s just easy to forget her sometimes.”
Edmonton, AB – “It is just not viable to keep the RAM because it’s too expensive.,” said Alberta premier, Rachel Notley, “We’ve gotta sell it and hope E.I. can cover things for a while.” After the drop in oil prices Alberta has been running out of funds and can no longer afford an inflated budget. Some believe Alberta spent recklessly when oil was booming, “Idiots,” said B.C. premier, Christy Clark, “What a dumb fucking truck. They could never afford that thing. The gas alone must have cost a fortune.” At the end of 2016 it is estimated that just 189 people will still be left living in Alberta.
Private Island – “We are a little shaken, but we are grateful it was only a small leak.” said a wealthy businessman who wants to remain anonymous, “We’ll be fine.” Following the leak of over 11 million documents from the Panamanian firm Mossack Fonseca, many wealthy people in the world were implicated in tax fraud. “Yes, they got a few but it’s hard to prosecute us,” said another wealthy businessman who wants to remain anonymous, “We aren’t like the poors.” Journalists continue to root through the data hoping to catch bigger fish and expose what has become a real problem in the world, tax avoidance by the wealthiest 1%. “They may find more stuff but poor people are dumb and easily distracted, they’ll be too concerned about the U.S. election (a reality show) too put pressure on us…Which reminds me, please vote for Hilary.”
“IT IS A PHENOMENON WE CAN’T QUITE UNDERSTAND” said Franz Heinekl, professor of quantum physics at Cornell University, “Slackliners exist in a space outside our dimension and only appear if actively observed. Observing a slackliner, however, does not change his state, it merely enforces our conclusion that slackliners are buffoons who only exist through the attention we give them.” Dr. Heinekl’s research paper on slackliners will be published next fall in Nature.
“THEY CAN SENSE WEAKNESS” said John Mackinaw, a forest ranger at Banff national park, “if you are sick or old make sure you have a means to defend yourself.” With the harsh winter ending, many wolf packs will be on the look-out for an easy meal. “When we arrive at the scene of a fall we often encounter several hungry timber wolves,” said Life-Alert worker Alan Thomas, “We try to get there before the wolves do but we’re not always quick enough and usually have to fight them off.” It is estimated that 67% of elderly people who fell down last year were carried into the woods by predators.