Radicalized Trump Supporters Don’t Represent The Majority Of Republicans

Washington, D.C. – “We are sickened by these people and deeply condemn their actions,” said Republican voter, Nathan Trundle. “The Republican party is a party of peace.” Many Republicans are worried that a radical ideology within their party is starting to spread and distort what it means to be a Republican. “We’re not all like this,” said Vera Schneider, “Trump supporters are only a small portion of our base.” Donald Trump and his supporters (“Trumpsters,” as they like to be called) are a radicalized form of the Republican party that has gained prevalence recently. Groups like this often become extreme in times of economic hardship or political instability. While Democrats say it is the responsibility of Republicans to call out members of their own party, Republicans insist Trumpism is very rare and is a product of Western policy.

NASA Desperately Scours Surface of Pluto in Search of Funding

Washington, DC – “Maybe there’s some money under that rock?” Said Astronomer, Michelle Fronklin, as she studied a recent picture from Pluto, “We need to get closer.” NASA has given up trying to secure funding from the U.S government so they have launched a series of probes to explore the galaxy for grants. “It can take years for some of these spacecraft to reach there destination and the wait is agonizing. But it takes even longer to acquire funding from congress.” The New Horizons probe is currently sending back detailed photographs of Pluto, every new image sends a wave of excitement through the team.”Many of us dream of seeing images like this and of having the opportunity to study them closely. We all want to be there for the discovery of something great, like a briefcase full of money under the ice cap.”

Homing Pigeon Dreads Homing for the Holidays

Boston, MA – “I try to make my family visits as short as possible,” said Terry, a homing pigeon. “I limit them to two, three days tops. I can’t stand my mom constantly asking me why I’m still single.” Terry, like many young homing pigeons, will return to roost at his childhood coop this Christmas. “My great-aunt Meryl just coos racist things about crows and ravens the whole time,” Terry said, “It’s awful. I have to grind my beak to keep from saying anything.” As per tradition, his family will eat a tense dinner of breadcrumbs, poop on a statue, and then wander into traffic.

U.S. Launches Airstrikes Against U.S. In Wake Of Shooting

America – “We have to do something to stop these shootings,” said U.S. President Barack Obama, “And we know these shooters live in America.” A U.S.-led coalition will start launching airstrikes in neighbourhoods that are suspected of harbouring shooters. Though some critics of the bombing campaign say it isn’t America’s place to try and influence the region, Republican opponents say Obama is not being tough enough. “He seems weak, the strategy won’t work,” said Presidential candidate Donald Trump, “We need boots on the ground.” Air strikes will commence on Monday and will continue until the mass shootings no longer occur.

Teen Sticks Cardboard In The Wheel Of His 92′ Civic To Make It Sound Like A Racecar

Abbotsford, BC – “Golly, it just sounds so boss!” Exclaimed Patrick Lee, “I sound like a real racer!” Mr. Lee, who just received his “N” drivers permit, is tremendously excited by the recent upgrade to his 92′ Honda Civic. “I just got one of my old baseball cards and stuck it in the tire. Now it’s really gonna whip down the track! Boy, I sure can’t wait till the fellas hear this!” Our interview ended after some other neighbourhood boys showed up with their newly modified civics and Patrick hurried off to join them on their trip to the swimming hole.