Private Island – “We are a little shaken, but we are grateful it was only a small leak.” said a wealthy businessman who wants to remain anonymous, “We’ll be fine.” Following the leak of over 11 million documents from the Panamanian firm Mossack Fonseca, many wealthy people in the world were implicated in tax fraud. “Yes, they got a few but it’s hard to prosecute us,” said another wealthy businessman who wants to remain anonymous, “We aren’t like the poors.” Journalists continue to root through the data hoping to catch bigger fish and expose what has become a real problem in the world, tax avoidance by the wealthiest 1%. “They may find more stuff but poor people are dumb and easily distracted, they’ll be too concerned about the U.S. election (a reality show) too put pressure on us…Which reminds me, please vote for Hilary.”

“IT IS A PHENOMENON WE CAN’T QUITE UNDERSTAND” said Franz Heinekl, professor of quantum physics at Cornell University, “Slackliners exist in a space outside our dimension and only appear if actively observed. Observing a slackliner, however, does not change his state, it merely enforces our conclusion that slackliners are buffoons who only exist through the attention we give them.” Dr. Heinekl’s research paper on slackliners will be published next fall in Nature. 

“THEY CAN SENSE WEAKNESS” said John Mackinaw, a forest ranger at Banff national park, “if you are sick or old make sure you have a means to defend yourself.” With the harsh winter ending, many wolf packs will be on the look-out for an easy meal. “When we arrive at the scene of a fall we often encounter several hungry timber wolves,” said Life-Alert worker Alan Thomas, “We try to get there before the wolves do but we’re not always quick enough and usually have to fight them off.” It is estimated that 67% of elderly people who fell down last year were carried into the woods by predators.

Pyonyang – The DPRK has announced another missile has been launched successfully into the ocean off of North Korea. Despite international sanctions, the DPRK continues to expand its missile program  which has resulted in the death of countless fish. “We have the strongest missile program in the world,” Said General Sun Yoon “If our glorious leader gives us an order we will follow!” General Yoon then turned the launch key and fired a ballistic missile directly into an octopus that was tragically close to the surface.

AT 2 AM ON MARCH 13th our noble planet sped up its rotation to put us forward an hour in compliance with daylight savings time. “It’s a real pain in the ass” said Earth, “I guess it has something to do with farmers? Seems dumb.” Earth says it will slow down its orbit to put humans back an hour in the fall. “I feel like Mars back when he had humans living on him.”

A NEW POLL suggests that more than 83% of Trump supporters respond enthusiastically to spam bots on twitter. This information was gathered by “Sexy Good Times,” a porn spam firm in Vietnam. According to their data, people with positive tweets relating to Donald Trump always responded to the artificial advances of their spam bots. “It’s really incredible” said Ahn Dung Pho, the manager of the firm, “They almost always respond as if they think they can really get to know our bots. Some of them even propose marriage, they are truly stupid, gullible people.” When Trump supporters find out they have been tricked by a bot they are enraged and become even more determined to vote for Donald Trump. In February Trump promised to destroy all twitter bots.

ACCORDING TO THE GOP, Donald J. Trump has a wee little pecker that resembles the stem of a pumpkin. “We know, we saw it in the GOP locker room,” said Mitt Romney as he left the capitol building this morning. “He is orange like a pumpkin so it only makes sense that he would have a tiny lil’ pumpkin stem penis.” After airing Trump’s carefully “gourded” secret, Mitt went on to say Trump would never be the nominee because he doesn’t have a giant Mitt Romney sized vagina smasher. “When my penis is erect I feel like a tower crane,” continued Mitt, “I have to lean back and carry a counter-weight to make sure I don’t tip over. I can assure you my wife is very pleased when I unleash “the governor.” Donald Trump was quick to respond to Mitt’s allegations about his penis saying, “I have the best dick. Way better than those other guys. Honestly, I don’t even know what they’re talking about. If Mitt shows the world his dick I will show him mine.” It is confirmed that the next republican debate will feature a penis measuring of all candidates.

Vancouver, B.C. – “I just love that song For Elise, it’s super beautiful.” said Amy Jankle, “I think Beethoven wrote it because Salieri hated Mozart or something.” Amy has had many other ring tones in the past that she has also enjoyed, including Vivaldi’s Springtime from The Four Seasons and Chopin’s The Minute Waltz. “I like that kind of music because, like, I’m weirdly smart. Like, people not might think I am because I say dumb stuff but I like Mozart and Beethoven. Moonlight Sonata is a nice song.” When asked about what kind of music she listens to at home Amy replied, “Well, I like classical on in the the background and stuff when I am doing my Biochemistry homework but when I want to listen to real music I listen to Taylor Swift.”

This Is Just A Friendly Reminder that your reading response to Harper Lee’s obituary is due on Monday. You’ve all had two weeks to work on it and it’s worth 20% of your English 12 mark.

Victoria, B.C. – “It wasn’t even a contest,” said Gloria Upright, “my dual carbon fiber  Klondike hiker 300SX walking sticks are the way of the future. I should really wear a seat belt when I fire these puppies up.” Agatha Norbrook, with her one stick, feels that walking is a pleasure and not a race, “I was just on my way to get some milk when one of those 60 year old youngsters blew past me on the street! It isn’t safe you know, I’m one fall away from the grave. I just don’t see the point in 2 sticks, I’ve used the same stick for 50 years.” Despite what she said, Agatha was clearly annoyed by her competition. On Sunday, after church, Agatha was seen with 3 walking sticks of the latest model. She passed Gloria with ease but then lost control and careened into a telephone pole at approximately 11 kilometers per hour.