ACCORDING TO THE GOP, Donald J. Trump has a wee little pecker that resembles the stem of a pumpkin. “We know, we saw it in the GOP locker room,” said Mitt Romney as he left the capitol building this morning. “He is orange like a pumpkin so it only makes sense that he would have a tiny lil’ pumpkin stem penis.” After airing Trump’s carefully “gourded” secret, Mitt went on to say Trump would never be the nominee because he doesn’t have a giant Mitt Romney sized vagina smasher. “When my penis is erect I feel like a tower crane,” continued Mitt, “I have to lean back and carry a counter-weight to make sure I don’t tip over. I can assure you my wife is very pleased when I unleash “the governor.” Donald Trump was quick to respond to Mitt’s allegations about his penis saying, “I have the best dick. Way better than those other guys. Honestly, I don’t even know what they’re talking about. If Mitt shows the world his dick I will show him mine.” It is confirmed that the next republican debate will feature a penis measuring of all candidates.