SECURITY ALERT: 1% Of Niqabs Are Hiding A Stack Of Clever Raccoons

Ottowa, On – A security alert has been issued by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service today after many reports have come in that clever raccoon’s have been using traditional Islamic clothing to disguise themselves. “I was just sitting there on a bench eating a sandwich when a tiny, furry hand reached out and snatched it! When I turned to grab it back, the whole figure collapsed and 8 raccoon’s scurried away down the street!” The CSIS has been investigating this threat to our national security for many years and say that the problem has become worse in recent years. “Raccoon’s are just so damn clever, it’s hard to stay one step ahead of them.” The niqab debate in Canada has been a controversial topic in recent months, and this security breach has added fuel to the fire. A Montreal native opposed to the niqab, Pierre Vincenne, had this to say, “Every time I see somebody walking down the street wearing a niqab I think to myself, “That might be a woman, but it could very well be a wobbly tower of crafty racoons”, I have a right to know.” The new Canadian government has assured the population that they are neutral to the niqab as it is a right of Canadians to practice their faith. Many people believe the debate over the niqab was triggered by the raccoon’s in a plot to distract and divide us while they steal our cat food.