A Tree – “I’m kind of old-fashioned,” said Barry, a yellow jacket wasp. “I like to live off the grid and really be a part of nature.” It is estimated that 79% of wasps live in barbecues and 20% live in abandoned Honda Civics. Just 3% live in trees. “It’s kind of sad you know,” Barry said, “We have lost touch with who we are. I think that has a lot to do with why some wasps are so sad.” When asked if he felt his historic abode was adequate without modern technology, he assured me that he has never felt better. Then he stung me on the eyelid and climbed into my can of soda.
Boston, MA – Recently featured on Ellen, Mohammed Khalesh is the youngest person to be invited to attend the Google science fair. “My father says it is an exciting time for me!” Said Mohammed, “and my mother says I love science!” His invention, an app that detects cancer in fruit bats, was invented by Mohammed with no help from his father, who is an engineer. “I have other interests too,” said Mohammed, “I like to fill out college applications and study for SAT’s.” When asked what school he would like to attend in the future Mohammed answered, “whichever one is furthest away from my psychotic parents.”
Victoria, B.C. – “We are just trying to make our neighbourhoods safer,” said Sally Feale, a speed watch volunteer. “Our digital shame numbers have worked so well to curb speeding so we’ve started using the same system for all aspects of life. We hope to build a perfect society free of sin.” Speed watch is a community program that helps reduce speeding by tracking speeders and shaming them with digital signs that display a drivers speed. “We’ve now installed these signs in the homes and offices of our neighbours so as to keep them on the right track.” Some signs have been installed at desks to display how much time has been wasted, and in bedrooms to display the age disparity between you and your partner. “The signs in the bedroom will also shame you by displaying the number of times you’ve masturbated this month.”
North Carolina – “It’s just ridiculous.” Said Jerry Salomay, an LGBT rights activist, “It’s 2016 and anybody should be permitted to drive mustangs, not just middle aged women with marriage problems.” The new law was passed on Tuesday requiring drivers of white Mustangs to show that they were born a woman on their birth certificate. “I don’t want a man to be around our young Mustangs,” said Tim Hett, a Ford representative, “it’s just not right.” The new law has caused many performers to cancel concerts in North Carolina and the backlash is expected to be severe. The governor says he stands by the new law and will enforce it with the full force of the justice system.
Fort Worth, TX – “Yep,” said Jared “Bug Fucker” Nimins. “I got the Zika now. She said she was clean.” The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) has investigated this case and has issued an advisory against intercourse with mosquitoes.”At least wait until we can distribute the vaccine. Please,” said Ted Wundly, a CDC spokesman, “I really can’t believe I need to say this out loud.” In response to the advisory, Mr. Nimins said, “I’m tired of the government telling me what I can or can’t do with my body.”
The Sea – “I don’t want to bite into some skinny bitch,” Snarls, a ragged tooth shark (Charcarias Taurus), said. “Seein’ you makes me hungry but eatin’ you don’t make me full.” Nearly all the sharks we interviewed stated that they preferred their prey to have some “junk in the trunk.” Only one shark, Willie, said he liked his prey to be smaller. “Did Willie say that?” Noam Chompsky, a Bull Shark (Carcharhinus Leucas), asked. “Well, I guess that makes sense, I mean he is a whale shark so he eats nothing but krill. Willie is kind of fucked up.”
Beverly Hills – “We’ve got about another decade before they’re all gone,” said Grant Hilliard, a celebrity death statistician. “We are encroaching on their habitat and they are simply disappearing.” In the last few years many high profile celebrity deaths have shaken the world including Robin Williams and, more recently, Prince. “We are doing what we can to save them,” said Dr. Hilliard, “But there are only so many.” Efforts have been made to encourage breeding among celebrities but many are choosing to adopt African children instead. “We are hoping for the best but when Bill Murray dies it’s basically all over.”
Earth – “It’s just ridiculous that this planet continues to heat up despite the fact that the science on climate change is not conclusive,” said John Peters, a fox news contributor, “The left wing media has been perpetrating lies and this planet seems to believe them without checking all the sources first.” The Earth has been heating up steadily at an unnatural rate since the industrial revolution. Earth says it has nothing to do with politics, “It’s just science, man.” said the Earth, our home planet, “The greenhouse gasses are making me heat up, things are looking pretty bad.” Conservative pundits are dismissing the Earth’s views as highly partisan. “It’s just ridiculous that the Earth would be so polarized. We all live here, try to reach across the Aisle,” said Rush Limbaugh, “Earth does nothing but float around all day and just expects us to support it. These aren’t the values we live by down here. We value hard work and the free market.” Earth responded by scoffing and melting more glaciers to make room for its new man bun.
University Of Victoria – “We are all so excited,” said Anne Deitner, a researcher at UVic’s Micro Aggression laboratory, “I can’t overstate how important this find is.” For years, the M.A. lab has been monitoring equipment 100 feet beneath the campus in order to find elusive micro aggressions. “We needed to make sure the absurdly sensitive equipment was set up in a place where regular aggressions couldn’t interfere with the instruments. Micro aggressions can pass through matter, like our Earth, whereas regular aggressions are too big to do so. So with our detection equipment set up, we just had to wait.” On April 15th, 2016, three years after the experiment was set up, Dr. Deitner and her colleagues noticed a blip on the instruments. “I knew what we had found, I phoned everybody in the department personally. Well, except Ashley, I forgot to phone her. I didn’t mean to, she’s great, but it’s just easy to forget her sometimes.”
Edmonton, AB – “It is just not viable to keep the RAM because it’s too expensive.,” said Alberta premier, Rachel Notley, “We’ve gotta sell it and hope E.I. can cover things for a while.” After the drop in oil prices Alberta has been running out of funds and can no longer afford an inflated budget. Some believe Alberta spent recklessly when oil was booming, “Idiots,” said B.C. premier, Christy Clark, “What a dumb fucking truck. They could never afford that thing. The gas alone must have cost a fortune.” At the end of 2016 it is estimated that just 189 people will still be left living in Alberta.