“I love riding motorcycles but I’m 63 now and I have lots of medication and several changes of clothes that I need to bring with me,” Gary Ghent, a motorcycle shopper, looks like he’ll be interested in the new Honda Goldwing. “Complete with airbag, heated seats, radio, GPS, 5 million CC engine, and 300,000 foot pounds of torque, I’ll be lucky to get .5 miles to the gallon on this beast,” Gary laughs. “My wife said, ‘Can we just get a car?’ And I was like, ‘Fuck that, that’s not how I roll.'”
Ft. Lotterdale, WA – “We thought he was really talented.” said Harold Lebenstein, a record executive for RCA, “You know, talented for a homeless guy. So we sign him because he’s already gone viral and it looks like he’s gonna be a hit. So what does he decide to do with his signing bonus? He uses it for a down payment on a new home. Great. You know who else has a house? Krystian Zimmerman, Andras Schiff, Martha Argerich… I mean come on, Barry! What were you thinking? We didn’t like your playing, you’re garbage, but we LOVED your story!” Barry, the homeowner pianist, had his contract terminated on August 28th. There was no cancellation clause so Barry was awarded no money. However RCA record is reported to have dropped off a kilo of crack cocaine at Barry’s new home in an attempt to revive his career as a homeless pianist.
Vermont – “I’m just so grateful,” said Jonathan Aldridge, upon hearing the news he was to have his Stanford education paid for, “It really shows what you can achieve if you work hard.” Mr. Aldridge will be joining the Stanford rowing team in the fall and says he couldn’t have done it without the help of his parents. “Father paid for my private school tuition and it was there that I learned how to be yelled at and pull on an oar a bunch. When I wasn’t at school my whole family would pile into the Land Rover and go on long drives to whichever regatta I was competing in.” Mr. Aldridge’s scholarship is worth $200,000 which is something his family could afford, but not easily. Stanford University says it looks forward to having Mr. Aldrige on their team and hopes he’s ready to pull on a stick real hard exactly when he’s told to, like the true athlete he is.
America – “Let me say this,” said GOP presidential candidate, Donald Trump, “I am truly sorry for the victims of police shootings in America, it’s a tragedy. You know it really is.” Backstage at his rally, Mr. Trump had applied charcoal to his face, “I’m black, you’re black, we’re all black in times like this.” Social media has exploded with outrage upon seeing Mr. Trump in what is considered very distasteful makeup. “How is this real life?” Said Candace Belmont, a Black Lives Matter protester. “What the hell is going on?” Mr. Trump was advised by his staff to clean his face but he was reluctant to do so. “It’s just charcoal” said Trump, “I’m trying to show my support for the negro and the PC police try to shut me down again.”
Halifax, NS – “He’s such a weird little shit,” said Frank Mulligan. “Is he trying to seduce me or something?” On Father’s Day, Mulligan’s son, Jack, presented him with wine and chocolates as a gesture of gratitude for being a great dad. “I couldn’t think of what to get him,” said Jack, “It was the first thing I saw.” This isn’t the first time Frank has been disappointed by his son. “Last year he got me a day pass to Disneyland. Just one for me, so I could go by myself? What the hell is that? The year before he got me mosquito netting. He’s so fucking strange. I bet he’s gay. In fact, I hope he’s gay and hope he comes out of the closet soon and stops acting like such a little weirdo. I also wish he would stop spending so much time in the kitchen trying to make pictures with pancake batter.”
Victoria, B.C. – “It just makes me sad to imagine a road having no traffic.” Said Glenda Blande, “So I make sure to drive around in the middle of the day with no destination.” Victoria is a quaint little city in Canada that is home to 98% of the nation’s elderly population. “We came here to die.” Said Winston Slugget, a 61 year old retiree. “But before we die we need to drive around a whole bunch really slowly for no reason. I’m retired, I have nowhere to go, my friends and I just want to make sure there is a heavy volume of traffic at 11am.” If you visit Victoria it is important to be aware of the traffic rushes that occur at 8am (the morning commute to work), 9am (Neurotic parents driving their children to school) 11am (Brunch rush), 1pm (Lunch rush), 2pm (Neurotic parents picking up their shitty kids), 3pm (the return commute warm-up rush), 4pm-6pm (The grand fucking finale).
Germania, QB – Our Northern Star investigative team has uncovered a secret tape of a meeting between Justin Trudeau and his father, Pierre Elliot Trudeau. Some may find the contents of the transcript disturbing but it is entirely factual. A dramatization can be found here at Trudeau Secret Meeting.
Pierre: Are you ready to do your duty for Canada?
Justin: Yes, father.
Pierre: You will not be Prime Minister.
Justin: Which wiser, older man is to take my place?
Pierre: My powers will pass to Mulroney to hold in trust until the Senate is ready to rule once more. Canada is to be a Republic again.
Pierre: My decision disappoints you?
Justin: You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues — wisdom, justice, fortitude, and temperance. As I read the list I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, Father — ambition, that can be a virtue when it drives us to excel; resourcefulness; courage, perhaps not on the battle field but there are many forms of courage; devotion, to my family, to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn’t want me for your son.
Pierre: Oh, Justin, you go too far.
Justin: I searched the faces of the gods for ways to please you, to make you proud…. One kind word, one full hug while you pressed me to your chest and held me tight, would have been like the sun on my heart for a thousand years…. What is it in me you hate so much? All I ever wanted was to live up to you, Caesar, Father.
Pierre: Justin, your faults as a son, is my failure as a father.
Pierre: Father, I would have butchered the whole world if you would have only loved me!!!
(Muffled sounds of struggling)
Holiday Inn – “I’m so honoured.” Said Albert, a bed bug, “I’m so lucky to have been promoted, there were so many bed bugs up for the job. So, so many.” Albert began working at the Holiday Inn in 1998 but soon scuttled up the ladder through various promotions. “We looked at our staff list in 2016 and thought, wow! Albert has been at this hotel the longest and is one of our busiest employees.” Said Tim Furnace, the regional manager. “We should give him the job! He earned it.” When he isn’t managing the hotel, Albert enjoys tending to the blood of his guests and participating in the all-night bedbug fuck fest that takes place in every mattress in every Holiday Inn.
Yuk Yok’s – “Women take forever to get ready, it’s ridiculous!” Jim Freeman, a stand up comic, said. “But guys know just what to do, and we don’t need no directions!” Freeman has been doing stand up for 10 years now, but just recently started writing a biting new set about the differences between men and women. “I’d been doing the same jokes for 10 years and was really tired of them. I felt like I was at a dead end, but then I just dug deeper within myself and began to realize how funny it is that men and women do things differently.” Jim Freeman’s new stand up special C’mon guys! is now available on Netflix.
Vancouver, WA – A bill was passed in Congress today, banning all peanuts from attending school. “I love school. I just want to learn,” said Peter Nutbutter, 7, a peanut, “Why can’t I go?” Peter’s mother, Jan Nutbutter, 46, said, “The schools banned peanuts because they said we are, quote, ‘dangerous’ and a ‘potential threat.’ It’s discrimination.” Activists across the nation are calling for the law to be repealed. “Every peanut deserves the right to an education, just like human children,” Peanut rights activist Jerry Crunchy, 38, said. “Just because some kids might be deathly allergic to peanuts, doesn’t mean that we should be banned from public places. Kids shouldn’t be eating us in the first place—they are the dangerous ones.”