Holiday Inn – “I’m so honoured.” Said Albert, a bed bug, “I’m so lucky to have been promoted, there were so many bed bugs up for the job. So, so many.” Albert began working at the Holiday Inn in 1998 but soon scuttled up the ladder through various promotions. “We looked at our staff list in 2016 and thought, wow! Albert has been at this hotel the longest and is one of our busiest employees.” Said Tim Furnace, the regional manager. “We should give him the job! He earned it.” When he isn’t managing the hotel, Albert enjoys tending to the blood of his guests and participating in the all-night bedbug fuck fest that takes place in every mattress in every Holiday Inn.