Discriminatory law prohibiting peanuts from attending schools sparks protest

Vancouver, WA – A bill was passed in Congress today, banning all peanuts from attending school. “I love school. I just want to learn,” said Peter Nutbutter, 7, a peanut, “Why can’t I go?” Peter’s mother, Jan Nutbutter, 46, said, “The schools banned peanuts because they said we are, quote, ‘dangerous’ and a ‘potential threat.’ It’s discrimination.” Activists across the nation are calling for the law to be repealed. “Every peanut deserves the right to an education, just like human children,” Peanut rights activist Jerry Crunchy, 38, said. “Just because some kids might be deathly allergic to peanuts, doesn’t mean that we should be banned from public places. Kids shouldn’t be eating us in the first place—they are the dangerous ones.”