Oak Bay – “We were very careful with our money,” said Wendy Gladrock, “and now we have enough put away to give us peace of mind as we near our imminent demise.” After long and fulfilling careers, Wendy and her husband, Burt, enjoy a life of leisure away from the pressures of work. “Now we have so much time together! We like to go out and have a romantic dinner every once in a while, and as I look into his eyes I think about how soon the cold hand of death will take him.” Burt, a former financial analyst, also reflected on the effect all this free time has had on their marriage, “Until recently, I had never really noticed how our once youthful faces have been ravaged by time. It won’t be long now!”

Indoors, California – After ten days of watching Netflix, playing video games, and otherwise avoiding all social contact, Seth Greenblatt, 27, wondered if his hobbies were actually fears. “I don’t like going outside, but I’m not sure if it’s because I really like watching movies at home, or because I have agoraphobia,” Seth said. “Either way, I like it in here, and I’m not going to leave.” Seth’s other favourite activities include avoiding water, heights, and clowns. “They’re scary as sh*t,” Seth shuddered.

Vancouver General Hospital – “I know I wasn’t always around for you, son. Here’s the reason why,” said Craig Blumph as he handed a portable hard drive to his son with trembling hands. “It took me a long time to loot and craft all that gear in Fallout 4, but I’m not going to be around to finish the game, so I want you to do it.” Then Craig took a deep breath and handed his son a flash drive. “And in case that doesn’t work, I have a copy of my saved games and login info for M3gaSwag69 on here as well. Please find out what happens at the end of Bioshock for me.” Craig pulled his son closer, “You must complete these games for me, promise me you will!” Craig’s son, Ken, looked up at his father. He realized that Craig, who had been absent most of his life, was not the man he thought he knew. Craig wasn’t always at work, he wasn’t getting drunk at the bar, he was doing something that mattered. He was level grinding in video games so that his son wouldn’t have to. He was leaving a throne onto which his son could ascend. “I promise,” said Ken.

Oxford University – “The Siege of Antioch, a pivotal battle and defining moment of the first crusade, does not seem to be getting any media attention in the wake of the horrific attacks in Paris,” said professor of History at Oxford University, Dr. Henry Kensington. “Is it because many of the victims in the Siege were Muslim? It is not for me to say, but we have seen this pattern in the news before.” The Siege of Antioch lasted from October 21, 1097, to June 2, 1098. During the siege, countless Muslim lives were lost, but many feel this event has been overshadowed by the Western media’s coverage of the recent terrorist attacks in Paris.

Cool, Safe Hangout Spot – Local cool guy wants to assure the public that he has no religious agenda. “I just wanna hang out and shoot the poop, you know? Sure, I believe in Jesus, because he’s super awesome and loves us all! But I’m not here to pressure anyone into anything. I just wanna chat and have some laughs!” Mr. Cool patted his guitar and smiled, “Sometimes we even sing a few songs.” At the end of the interview Mr. Cool said that I “seemed a little down,” and offered to hang out. He says that we all feel a little down sometimes, but we shouldn’t – because he knows somebody who loves everyone and has a plan for all of us.

Buzzfeed Medical Center – Depending on what you like to eat (or whatever you personally believe is good for you), Buzzfeed Medical Center has a real study you can post to your Facebook wall. Click-baity articles like Red Wine Prevents Alzheimer’s, Being Messy Is A Sign You’re Good At Sex, and Travelling When You’re Young Makes You A Brave Genius, are sure to get you the “likes” you deserve. When asked about the validity of the studies and Buzzfeed’s reputation in the scientific community, a spokesperson said “You won’t BELIEVE what I have to say,” and then led us into a room full of advertising.

Vancouver, BC – “I touched something icky and now they’re sticky!” – said exasperated fancy-man, Jasper Marigold. “I need to find a water station soon or I fear I will remain paralyzed!” Marigold stickened his willowy fingers with sap after leaning against a tree. “I can’t touch anything now, I may as well not have arms. This tree sap is stuck on me like a belle stuck on one of those handsome navy boys.” After walking with his hands elevated for more than 11 minutes he managed to dab his handkerchief in a stream and scrub off the sticky.

Ottawa, On – “Dammit, that hurts,” shouted Ottawa resident Sean Merkel. “But not as much as war.” Poppy needles are made of tempered steel folded hundreds of times to ensure strength and flexibility. Only the finest master blacksmiths in Japan can come close to producing a sharper instrument. “Once I accidentally stopped remembering veterans as I bent down to tie my shoe. Sure enough the poppy on my lapel buried its needle 1.5 inches into my neck and reminded me of what it was probably like to get bayoneted in the trenches during WWI. Lest we forget.” When asked if they would consider changing the design of the Poppy, the Canadian Legion said, “No.”

Mosul – ISIS commanders have sent an email to the Northern Star assuring us that when their Caliphate covers the earth they will do away with daylight savings time. “Daylight savings is out-dated and has no place in the modern world,” they write, “It is just an inconvenience now and should be banished to the desert. It is our top priority and will define us as an organization. We will not rest until the blood of every last minute of daylight savings runs in the streets of Jerusalem.”

Johannesburg – “We are so incredibly excited by this find,” said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Jones. “It just sends shivers down my spine to know how much like us these early hominids were. To think, over a million years ago our ancestors were walking as fast as they could (being careful not to jostle too much) back from the hunt so they could defecate in a familiar bush instead of a weird public one. Just amazing.” The researchers agree that this behaviour is what led to all the fossilized feces being found in one bush near the hominid skeletons. “It is such a privilege to work on this project. We get to study a common ancestor and learn about what makes who we are. Now we know for sure one of the defining characteristics that makes us human, that unites our species, is our instinctual desire to shit at home.”