Washington, D.C. – “We are sickened by these people and deeply condemn their actions,” said Republican voter, Nathan Trundle. “The Republican party is a party of peace.” Many Republicans are worried that a radical ideology within their party is starting to spread and distort what it means to be a Republican. “We’re not all like this,” said Vera Schneider, “Trump supporters are only a small portion of our base.” Donald Trump and his supporters (“Trumpsters,” as they like to be called) are a radicalized form of the Republican party that has gained prevalence recently. Groups like this often become extreme in times of economic hardship or political instability. While Democrats say it is the responsibility of Republicans to call out members of their own party, Republicans insist Trumpism is very rare and is a product of Western policy.

Washington, DC – “Maybe there’s some money under that rock?” Said Astronomer, Michelle Fronklin, as she studied a recent picture from Pluto, “We need to get closer.” NASA has given up trying to secure funding from the U.S government so they have launched a series of probes to explore the galaxy for grants. “It can take years for some of these spacecraft to reach there destination and the wait is agonizing. But it takes even longer to acquire funding from congress.” The New Horizons probe is currently sending back detailed photographs of Pluto, every new image sends a wave of excitement through the team.”Many of us dream of seeing images like this and of having the opportunity to study them closely. We all want to be there for the discovery of something great, like a briefcase full of money under the ice cap.”

Boston, MA – “I try to make my family visits as short as possible,” said Terry, a homing pigeon. “I limit them to two, three days tops. I can’t stand my mom constantly asking me why I’m still single.” Terry, like many young homing pigeons, will return to roost at his childhood coop this Christmas. “My great-aunt Meryl just coos racist things about crows and ravens the whole time,” Terry said, “It’s awful. I have to grind my beak to keep from saying anything.” As per tradition, his family will eat a tense dinner of breadcrumbs, poop on a statue, and then wander into traffic.

America – “We have to do something to stop these shootings,” said U.S. President Barack Obama, “And we know these shooters live in America.” A U.S.-led coalition will start launching airstrikes in neighbourhoods that are suspected of harbouring shooters. Though some critics of the bombing campaign say it isn’t America’s place to try and influence the region, Republican opponents say Obama is not being tough enough. “He seems weak, the strategy won’t work,” said Presidential candidate Donald Trump, “We need boots on the ground.” Air strikes will commence on Monday and will continue until the mass shootings no longer occur.

Abbotsford, BC – “Golly, it just sounds so boss!” Exclaimed Patrick Lee, “I sound like a real racer!” Mr. Lee, who just received his “N” drivers permit, is tremendously excited by the recent upgrade to his 92′ Honda Civic. “I just got one of my old baseball cards and stuck it in the tire. Now it’s really gonna whip down the track! Boy, I sure can’t wait till the fellas hear this!” Our interview ended after some other neighbourhood boys showed up with their newly modified civics and Patrick hurried off to join them on their trip to the swimming hole.

Merritt, BC – God damn it. That guy in the Dodge RAM just passed you again on the highway and made you look like a little bitch. You thought you were the king of the highway? This guy is the God of the highway. Wherever he’s going, he’s gonna get there 45 second before you. He’s probably on his way to your place to fuck your girlfriend. Now you have to look at his tail lights. Look at him, five car lengths ahead of you, just leading the way like you need to be led. Fuck this guy! Nobody passes you and your F-150! Nobody!

Merritt, BC – God damn it. That guy in the F-150 just passed you on the highway and made you look like a little bitch. You thought you were the king of the highway? This guy is the God of the highway. Wherever he’s going, he’s gonna get there 45 second before you. He’s probably on his way to your place to fuck your girlfriend. Now you have to look at his tail lights. Look at him, five car lengths ahead of you, just leading the way like you need to be led. Fuck this guy! Nobody passes you and your Dodge RAM! Nobody!

New York City, NY – Last night a performance by DJ $hit$nax was interrupted repeatedly by a patron’s mobile device. The first incident was disruptive, but largely ignored – a mark of Mr. $hit$nax’s professionalism. However, after the third disruption, the performance was halted by $hit$nax, and the perpetrator was escorted out under a storm of boos. “It was just awful. Shameful. No respect for the music. Is this the time in which we live?” Sharon Smith, an audience member, remarked. “Just as we were reaching a point of emotional climax, as the performer and audience were one, as the music was singing to our very souls, that disrespectful trollop answered his ringing cellphone! Inexcusable.” $hit$nax’s DJ skillz have been heralded worldwide by many other great DJs. There is no doubt that his music will be studied and cherished for hundreds of years after he ceases to mix tracks.

The Pentagon – “With this new drone technology, boots on the ground will no longer be required for operations in the Middle East,” General Hector Bull said. “These drones can eliminate enemy targets from over 14 miles away. Once the area has been secured the drone will start pumping sweet, sweet black gold from under that godforsaken sand. All without putting any of our boys at risk!” President Obama will be sending these new drones into combat in the Middle East in early 2016. The U.S. military has placed an order for 5,000 units.

San Francisco – “Who is left up there?” asked Netflix marketing analyst, Brad Grimply. “The economic and social impacts are going to be devastating.” Netflix routinely collects data for advertisers including viewer preferences and location information. According to this data, over 7 million Canadians packed up their homes and moved to seemingly random locations all over the U.S. between 9 pm and 11:30 pm last night. “We were up all night here at Netflix trying to figure this out. I guess things aren’t going well for our neighbour to the north,” Mr. Grimply said. The panic at Netflix subsided once Facebook confirmed that the Canadians had all moved back by 2 am.