Buzzfeed Medical Center – Depending on what you like to eat (or whatever you personally believe is good for you), Buzzfeed Medical Center has a real study you can post to your Facebook wall. Click-baity articles like Red Wine Prevents Alzheimer’s, Being Messy Is A Sign You’re Good At Sex, and Travelling When You’re Young Makes You A Brave Genius, are sure to get you the “likes” you deserve. When asked about the validity of the studies and Buzzfeed’s reputation in the scientific community, a spokesperson said “You won’t BELIEVE what I have to say,” and then led us into a room full of advertising.
Vancouver, BC – “I touched something icky and now they’re sticky!” – said exasperated fancy-man, Jasper Marigold. “I need to find a water station soon or I fear I will remain paralyzed!” Marigold stickened his willowy fingers with sap after leaning against a tree. “I can’t touch anything now, I may as well not have arms. This tree sap is stuck on me like a belle stuck on one of those handsome navy boys.” After walking with his hands elevated for more than 11 minutes he managed to dab his handkerchief in a stream and scrub off the sticky.
Ottawa, On – “Dammit, that hurts,” shouted Ottawa resident Sean Merkel. “But not as much as war.” Poppy needles are made of tempered steel folded hundreds of times to ensure strength and flexibility. Only the finest master blacksmiths in Japan can come close to producing a sharper instrument. “Once I accidentally stopped remembering veterans as I bent down to tie my shoe. Sure enough the poppy on my lapel buried its needle 1.5 inches into my neck and reminded me of what it was probably like to get bayoneted in the trenches during WWI. Lest we forget.” When asked if they would consider changing the design of the Poppy, the Canadian Legion said, “No.”
Mosul – ISIS commanders have sent an email to the Northern Star assuring us that when their Caliphate covers the earth they will do away with daylight savings time. “Daylight savings is out-dated and has no place in the modern world,” they write, “It is just an inconvenience now and should be banished to the desert. It is our top priority and will define us as an organization. We will not rest until the blood of every last minute of daylight savings runs in the streets of Jerusalem.”
Johannesburg – “We are so incredibly excited by this find,” said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Jones. “It just sends shivers down my spine to know how much like us these early hominids were. To think, over a million years ago our ancestors were walking as fast as they could (being careful not to jostle too much) back from the hunt so they could defecate in a familiar bush instead of a weird public one. Just amazing.” The researchers agree that this behaviour is what led to all the fossilized feces being found in one bush near the hominid skeletons. “It is such a privilege to work on this project. We get to study a common ancestor and learn about what makes who we are. Now we know for sure one of the defining characteristics that makes us human, that unites our species, is our instinctual desire to shit at home.”
Prince George, BC – Many parents are concerned that they might find dangerous objects in their children’s candy bags after they come home from trick or treating. But a new study has found that dangerous objects hidden in candy are actually less harmful than the candy itself. “It’s hard to find something that you could sneak into a Mars bar that could be worse than a Mars bar,” said UBC candy lab researcher, Dr. Erica Styles. “It would be horrifying to find a dangerous object in your bag of candy but imagining a Mars bar slowly and painfully winding its way down into your intestines is far, far worse.” It is recommended by Dr. Styles that you sift through your bag to remove all the candy that might be contaminating any razor blades.