Raqqa – The U.S. military has deployed teams of highly untrained cyclists to disrupt a new ISIS offensive out of Raqqa. “We know how hard it is to pass a wobbly-ass cyclist,” said Gen. Maddox. “They will help slow the ISIS convoy and make it easier for us to hit targets from the air.” When asked about the danger to the cyclists, Gen. Maddox informed us that many had lost their lives but that he wasn’t particularly remorseful because timid cyclists are “the goddamn worst”.
Oak Bay – A new study published this week in Northern Star Science Journal shows research that has found a link between waking hours and morality. “People who wake up early are most certainly better people,” said Dr. Arm Menian, head of morality studies at Norman Rockwell University. “We don’t have scientific evidence as of yet, but our instincts tell us we are correct.” Statistically, young people tend to stay up later and wake up later, which has led many to believe that young people (especially this generation, the one that listens to Beyoncé) are immoral. The findings of this study have confirmed that suspicion. When asked what possible solution there could be to this problem, Dr. Menian answered, “More church, less video games.”
“I was just about to pass out,” said Jeremy Wiener, a student at the University of British Columbia. “But then I realized how hungry I was and I felt a surge of energy!” Scientists say that this phenomenon, called “A Lot of Things are Due Very Soon Syndrome,” originated in the first humans to allow us to get a lot of shit done when there was no food available. “When hunger and fatigue mix, the human body basically dies, but the brain forces it to continue,” said Dr. Alan Mosley, a professor of neuroscience at the University of Alberta. “It is important to get food or sleep soon after you’ve entered this state, even though you feel that you don’t need any, because you’ll probably die. Or maybe you’ll live forever? I don’t actually know.” With exams mounting toward the holiday season, keep your eye on the clock. If it looks like you haven’t slept or eaten in more than 36 hours, you should probably do both, because if you’ve procrastinated to this point, you can probably put off your assignments a little longer.
A NEW STUDY published this past week by Waterloo University researchers suggests that those of us who turn around and gleefully watch our feces flush may also have a better chance of maintaining a healthy relationship. “We aren’t really surprised by our findings,” said Dr. Debra Fingler. “The research we have done has reinforced what many of us have known as common knowledge for years. It’s good to have a study to back that up though!” Not only does watching your poo lead to healthier relationships, statistics show that countries where people watch their poop flush have a much higher GDP than those who don’t. So the next time you glance wistfully over your shoulder to observe your despicable creation taking its final plunge to a watery grave, rest easy knowing it was for the good of all those around you.
Seoul, SK – The South Korean government recently announced a plan to limit visor size to 50 cm after residents were causing disruption from wearing visors of over 1.3 meters in length. “When you walk down the street in Seoul during the summer it’s nothing but visors out there,” said John Yoon, a resident of Seoul. “I don’t know if there are people in South Korea anymore or if it’s just visors!” Many people favor the new restrictions but Korean women aged 23-103 overwhelmingly oppose the ban on larger visors. “I’ve gotta have a giant visor,” said Dolly Kim. “If the sun touches my skin even once I will look like one of those worthless Chinese.”
“Listen here, Gents, ’cause it’s about to get dense and I expect recompense for all that incense I spent getting you fuckers less tense. I built that fence to keep my events condensed. I meant no offence, but there are simply some events that must be condensed. I don’t know where the time went, but you’ve gone and done it. You broke the pence fence”
Montreal, QB – “It’s just so insensitive,” said Jean Renaud, a meth lab operator. “It’s not the breed, it’s the owner.” On September 27 a new bylaw was passed that enforces a ban on all pit bull or mixed pit bull breeds. “These are members of our family,” continued Jean as he adjusted his Tapout shirt, “these dogs are sweethearts and it just isn’t fair how they’re portrayed in the media.” Jean will have to apply for a license by December 31 if he wants to keep his pit bull, Alexis Texas. Meth lab operators, drug dealers, bikers, and attention seeking liberals will be expected to stage a protest in front of city hall early next week.
Johns Hopkins University Medical Research Center – “If you take it upon yourself to drastically change your way of life,” says David Golschmann, “You are putting yourself at serious risk.” Researchers found through a study of more than 300,000 people that if you ever reinvent yourself (for example, distance yourself from friends, change your daily routine or clothes, travel extensively, end a long term relationship, etc.) you are increasing your risk of having every kind of cancer. “Cancer originates in your cells,” says Dr. Golschmann, “If your cells get spooked by your sudden desire to ‘not be a loser anymore’ they will react by mutating into cancer. Most people will change gradually throughout their lives, but a sudden deliberate change will definitely kill you.” The findings of this study are very alarming, as reinventing oneself is the number one hobby amongst millennials. Three percent of millennials will reinvent themselves privately, while 97 percent will post every detail of their journey online.
“I love riding motorcycles but I’m 63 now and I have lots of medication and several changes of clothes that I need to bring with me,” Gary Ghent, a motorcycle shopper, looks like he’ll be interested in the new Honda Goldwing. “Complete with airbag, heated seats, radio, GPS, 5 million CC engine, and 300,000 foot pounds of torque, I’ll be lucky to get .5 miles to the gallon on this beast,” Gary laughs. “My wife said, ‘Can we just get a car?’ And I was like, ‘Fuck that, that’s not how I roll.'”
Ft. Lotterdale, WA – “We thought he was really talented.” said Harold Lebenstein, a record executive for RCA, “You know, talented for a homeless guy. So we sign him because he’s already gone viral and it looks like he’s gonna be a hit. So what does he decide to do with his signing bonus? He uses it for a down payment on a new home. Great. You know who else has a house? Krystian Zimmerman, Andras Schiff, Martha Argerich… I mean come on, Barry! What were you thinking? We didn’t like your playing, you’re garbage, but we LOVED your story!” Barry, the homeowner pianist, had his contract terminated on August 28th. There was no cancellation clause so Barry was awarded no money. However RCA record is reported to have dropped off a kilo of crack cocaine at Barry’s new home in an attempt to revive his career as a homeless pianist.