U.S. Military Deploys Wobbly Cyclists to Slow ISIS Advance

Raqqa – The U.S. military has deployed teams of highly untrained cyclists to disrupt a new ISIS offensive out of Raqqa. “We know how hard it is to pass a wobbly-ass cyclist,” said Gen. Maddox. “They will help slow the ISIS convoy and make it easier for us to hit targets from the air.” When asked about the danger to the cyclists, Gen. Maddox informed us that many had lost their lives but that he wasn’t particularly remorseful because timid cyclists are “the goddamn worst”.